Warriors Parody Book 1: Into The Weird Wild
by Taurus The Dragon
Summary: Follow Rusty, an ordinary housecat, as he joins a Clan of weird wild cats, including a cat obsessed with Pokémon battles, an apprentice who drinks soda like water, and a noble if scatterbrained leader. Rated T for plenty of randomness and some suggestive themes. Updating once a day now. CANCELLED.
1. The Prologue Of Pokemon Battles

**Hey, everyone, and welcome to a new FanFic! I'm sorry I've taken a long time to come back, but I've been busy. Journey Of An Autistic Trainer will be put on hold for now, so I've decided to upload a Warrior Cats parody.**

 **I've been looking these up for years, and I've been amused by a lot of them. But I've decided to upload my own Warrior Cats parody. I hope you like it, and if there are any mistakes here, let me know so I can fix them. Constructive criticism is allowed here as long as you're polite about it.**

 **Disclaimer: Warrior Cats doesn't belong to me. The series and its characters belong to the Erin Hunter team. And I also don't own other bits of media in this chapter and the story, including Pokémon (that belongs to Satoshi Tajiri).**

 **Publishing Date: April 17, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

 **A Prologue of Pokémon Battles**

One night, a ThunderClan patrol was out near the Sunningrocks. But RiverClan cats had started using the rocks for hunting, relaxing, or even Liar's Dice. Just like that, the ThunderClan cats struck, and the rocks were alive with fighting cats.

"Oakheart! How dare you hunt in our territory!" a big tabby named Tigerclaw snarled as he pinned down a reddish brown cat. "The Sunningrocks belong to ThunderClan!"

"After tonight, Tigerclaw, this will be just another RiverClan hunting ground!" Oakheart sneered. He whipped out his 3DS and yelled, "Get 'em, Floatzel!"

So the cats went from physically fighting to playing Pokémon battles on their 3DSs, some leaving because their batteries ran out. They had their Pokémon battle in a view where humans could see them. Would humans arrest them? They'd certainly be shocked at a bunch of cats playing video games against each other, that's for sure.

Just then, a smaller she-cat named Mousefur was being double-teamed by two RiverClan cats. Her Granbull and Swampert were no matched for her foes' EV trained Pokémon. So Tigerclaw put himself in her place and Pokémon battled the RiverClan cats while Mousefur retreated, her 3DS's battery running low.

"Tigerclaw!" called Redtail, a tortoiseshell tom. "We're getting beaten! They must've learned from the Battle Royale in Sun and Moon! We must retreat!"

"No, Redtail!" Tigerclaw hissed. "This is our territory!"

"ThunderClan knows you take Pokémon game battles seriously, and we honor you as our reigning champion. But how can we take on opponents when we don't EV train our Pokémon? We'll have a chance to avenge this defeat." He then called, "Retreat, ThunderClan! Retreat!"

Loud choruses of "Aw, dang it!" rose in the air as they stormed off after Redtail. Oakheart started yowling with triumph, and RiverClan brought out their fancy wine and cheeses for the occasion.

Tigerclaw picked up his 3DS and glared at the celebrating RiverClan cats. "Oh, you're gonna get yours someday," he snarled to himself as he followed his Clanmates.

...

Back in ThunderClan, a gray she-cat named Bluestar was waiting in the clearing. She had gotten a text from Oakheart saying that there was a big battle going on at Sunningrocks. Was she going to tell the Clan that he was once her boyfriend? Heck no.

Another cat approached her, a tortoiseshell cat named Spottedleaf. She was kind, skilled with herbs, beautiful, and very anti-video game. She preferred books over video games, saying that the former brought more knowledge than the latter, but Bluestar knew the real reason. Spottedleaf's old boyfriend Thistleclaw liked video games, so she read more books to forget about him.

Bluestar turned to her. "How is Mousefur?" she asked.

"Her wounds aren't too deep, Bluestar. She'll heal," replied Spottedleaf. "And how come we fight for the Sunningrocks everyday? Can't we talk things out?"

"Um...no," said Bluestar. "If anything can beat lazing around and doing nothing, it's lazing around and doing nothing on heated rocks. And nothing beats lazing around and doing nothing on heated rocks than - "

Spottedleaf sighed and interrupted, "Okay, you've got a point."

Suddenly, a comet shot across the sky and then vanished. You might say that it hit an elephant, but you know comets. They hit everything.

"StarClan has spoken to me," said Spottedleaf, her eyes shining. "Fire alone can save our Clan."

"Oh, you mean like..." Bluestar began, pulling out her 3DS.

Spottedleaf sighed. "No, Bluestar, your Infernape doesn't count. It's fictional, and besides, I don't even like playing Pokémon."

Bluestar scoffed and thought, _She doesn't like Pokemon? Loser_. Out loud, she asked, "So who is this 'fire'? Garfield?"

"No," said Spottedleaf. "He's fictional."

"That cheetah from the Cheetos commercials?"

"No. Fictional."

"The Annoying Orange?"

" _No_. That orange is annoying, hence the title."

"Donald Trump?"

"We don't bring up politics in this story. This is a safe place."

Bluestar rolled her eyes and demanded, "Then who is it?"

Spottedleaf sighed irritably. "This is why prophecies are mysterious. You're supposed to figure them out."

"Okay, sheesh!" Bluestar hissed, putting away her 3DS. "Fine, whatever you say. Fire will save the Clan and give us S'Mores."

 _ **To be continued...**_


	2. The Chosen One Wants Pizza

**Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Warrior Cats Parody Book 1: Into The Weird Wild. So far, I got a few views and a review, but that's all fine. I can update whenever I'm not busy with writing a kids book series. Like I said many times before, if you find any mistakes in my story, please let me know so I can fix them. I appreciate constructive criticism as long as you're polite about it.**

 **Like I said in the last chapter, this is a safe place, no need for politics here. No jokes about Republicans or Democrats, no Obama or Donald Trump jokes, just some random fun with Warrior Cats.**

 **Uploading Date: April 17, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

 _ **The Chosen One Wants Pizza**_

A young orange cat named Rusty was busy stalking a mouse in his dream. He felt free without his collar, without its noisy jingling and making it difficult to swallow. Anyway, he had caught the mouse and was happily playing with it before he could eat it. After all, no mouse meat tasted good unless someone played with it a little.

But that was all interrupted, as he was in a dream, and he was woken up by his owner playing Overwatch. Rusty himself never understood the game, but he knew it was inspired by World Of Warcraft, and he had played World Of Warcraft before he retired from it. Still, he was irritated at being woken up and said, "I'm hungry!"

His owner heard the yowl and got him some cat food. As Rusty ate, he also felt his collar on his neck and hoped that he could get it off. He had heard of one cat trying a stupid way of getting his off by using a dog's tooth. It didn't end well. But when he finished eating, he was still hungry. He needed a real good meal, a big meal, a great big "Whoa, Mama!" kind of meal.

 _I wonder if the pizza place is still open?_ Rusty thought. _Dang, if only Little Caesar's didn't make you come get the pizza instead of delivery LIKE NORMAL CATS._

He knew the Little Caesar's was on the other side of the forest, where he had always wanted to explore. That way, he would kill two birds with one stone: he'd get to explore his dream place and eat pizza. So he went outside and did some push-ups before jumping up on the fence, ready to get started.

"Where are you going, Rusty?" asked a black-and-white cat named Smudge. He was Rusty's friend, and he was sitting on the fence with a honey bun.

"To get some pizza. Duh," said Rusty.

Smudge's eyes widened. "You're not going into the woods, are you? Henry said it's dangerous."

Rusty rolled his eyes. "Baloney, Smudge. Baloney, fudge, and mustard. He's never moved from that spot on the porch ever since he came back from the vet."

"He's almost life-like," Smudge insisted.

"I heard that!" yowled a voice not too far away.

They looked around to see who said it. Then Smudge said, "You wouldn't catch me in there. Henry said that big wild cats sharpen their claws on old bones, eat live rabbits for breakfast, and make you watch reruns of modern Family Guy."

"Don't worry, I'll be back," said Rusty.

"Don't say I didn't warn ya," said Smudge, finishing off his honey bun.

So Rusty dropped down from the fence and headed off into the forest. It was a bit spooky at night, with owls hooting and trees towering over him and the possibility of Slenderman being around. But Rusty rememebered to get some pizza, so he kept walking onward. His hunger for the spicy pizza pie overrode his fear of what was in the dark.

All of a sudden, something big and fluffy slammed into him. It let out a screech as horrible as a screechy chalkboard, yelling "Everyone was kung-fu fighting!" So Rusty decided to run but then thought better of it, and he flat-out socked the other cat in the jaw. He jumped back, ready for more, but he relaxed a bit as the attacker got closer, no longer in the fighting mood.

"Hey, kittypet! You fight good for a tame kitty," said the attacker, a gray kitten with a backpack on his back. He fished out a can and handed it to Rusty, asking, "Want a Mountain Dew?"

"My mom said never take food from strangers...but I'm kinda thirsty," said Rusty, opening the soda can and taking a drink. "Thanks."

The kitten took out another Mountain Dew can and started chugging it. "I'm Graypaw, by the way," he said, making a burp. "I'm training to be a ThunderClan warrior."

Rusty smirked. "I'm Rusty. And if a soda-chugging kitten's the best the forest has to offer, Mr. Graywhatsit, then I think I can handle it."

"Baloney," remarked Graypaw. "Anyway, I belong to one of the forest cat Clans called ThunderClan. In a Clan, we look out for each other, hunt some tiny helpless critters, and even drink milk out of the carton."

"Yeah, impressive," said Rusty, pulling out his phone and looking up Harry Potter FanFiction. "Look, why don't you come with me for some pizza and then come home with me. You can play all day and look cute for the humans..."

"Yeah, and only pee in a box and eat pellets and not drink soda all the time!" Graypaw spat. "No way! I prefer the wild, where we do whatever we want."

"Like hunting down helpless small animals and eating them?" Rusty asked.

Graypaw nodded. "Heck yeah! But don't tell me..." His eyes got sly. "You haven't eaten mouse yet, have you?"

Rusty felt very defensive. "N-No," he said bravely. "My mom wouldn't let me. She said it's bad for digestion."

"Haha! Wimp!" laughed Graypaw.

As Rusty was willing to fight Graypaw again, a female voice asked from the bushes, "What's going on here?"

Out of the bushes came a gray cat holding a phone in her paw, and behind her was a huge lion-like cat. He was holding a book called The Fellowship Of The Ring in a paw.

"You shouldn't be so near Twolegplace, Graypaw," he warned.

"Sorry, Lionheart," Graypaw replied. "Hey, how'd you know I was near Twolegplace?"

Lionheart rolled his eyes. "I sent you a text, and you didn't respond. When that happens, that means you're near the Twolegplace. You shall not pass into the Twolegplace."

Graypaw rolled his eyes too. "I put my phone on silent, Lionheart, just like you wanted me to. Or do you always look up those fancy dinner recipes you wanna make for the whole Clan?"

Now it was Lionheart's turn to look embarrassed. "Don't tempt me, Graypaw," he blustered.

"I'd love to hear more mentor/apprentice drama, but we've got a kittypet to question here," said Bluestar. Turning to Rusty, she smiled a bit and said, "You've handled yourself out there, Rusty. Sharp eyes, good hunting form."

"Thanks, but I was actually gonna get pizza," said Rusty. "And how'd you know my name?"

Bluestar sighed and rubbed her face with her paw. "I've seen you grafitti your name on the fence you're always sitting on. Pretty big target you're painting on yourself."

Rusty chuckled awkwardly.

"Bluestar, he is a kittypet," Lionheart told her. "Send him home to his Twolegs."

Rusty blinked. "Wait, why?" he pleaded. "I was gonna hunt for a bit after I eat some pizza. Isn't there enough to go around?"

Suddenly, Bluestar's face switched to pure rage as Graypaw muttered something about triggering. Then Bluestar snapped, "You did NOT just say that, you little punk! You wouldn't be saying that f you weren't a fat, lazy, good for nothing, stupid, idiotic..."

"Whoa," said Lionheart. "You're going overboard..."

"...obnoxious, arrogant, pinheaded..."

"Who you calling pinheaded?" asked Graypaw.

"...dirt-eating, pizza-loving little punk!"

Rusty took it all in with wide eyes. Then he clapped and said, "Bravo, Bluestar. Now that we're done..."

"WE ARE SO NOT DONE!" Bluestar roared, punning him down. She was going to finish him like Edward Kenway finished off assassins.

To be continued...


	3. The Offer That Sounds Okay

**Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Warrior Cats Parody! It looks like I'm starting to have people reviewing it and more views. I'm not gonna demand for how much reviews or whatever, but I hope you take the time to at least glance over this FanFic. As usual, if there's anything wrong with this chapter, let me know so I can fix it. I welcome any constructive criticism as long as you're polite about it.**

 **Just a little random thing I'm gonna put in the beginning note: my birthday's coming up in ten more days, and I'm hoping to get a Barnes And Noble gift card and Elder Scrolls: Skyrim Remastered. Fallout 4 has been fun (and Skyrim's the reason I played Fallout 4), but I hope to play Skyrim again soon.**

 **Well, that's enough rambling out of me. Let's get this story going.**

 **Uploading Date: April 18, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

 **The Offer That Sounds Okay**

Where we last left off, Rusty had wandered into the forest. Now he's at the mercy of a gang of wild cats...

"Shut up! I get it, narrator guy!" Rusty grumbled while pinned under Bluestar. "What's all this for?!"

"You threaten our Clan by taking our food. You come here to hunt for sport, but we hunt to survive," Bluestar spat.

Rusty hissed up at her, "Okay, fine! I get it! It's just...you know, you seem always triggered at everything!"

Suddenly, Bluestar's eyes widened as she got off of him. "Okay, that was very uncalled for," she hissed. But her face started to soften as she added, "And...also correct. I like your brutal honesty."

Now Rusty felt a little happy. At least he had gotten out of this mess with all his fur on.

"What about when I told you that you dye your fur silver on Sundays?" asked Lionheart.

"Shut up, we never talk about that," growled Bluestar.

Lionheart sighed and looked away. "Someone is triggered," he muttered.

"Is your Clan big enough for all you cats?" Rusty asked.

Bluestar stopped being angry and thought about it. "In future books, there's gonna be so many that you'll have to count other cats' toes just to count the rest. But at the moment, nah. And we've got plenty of cats to help out and stuff like that. Why, you wanna join us? You can be a warrior like us."

Rusty was puzzled and a little excited. Whatever it was, it sounded like a good idea to get out of the house instead of being bored all the time.

"But kittypets can't be warriors! They don't have warrior blood," said Graypaw, earning him a glare from Rusty.

"Warrior blood...too much has been spilled lately," Bluestar murmured, looking sad now.

"Well, nice going, you made her cry," Lionheart muttered to Graypaw. To Firepaw, he said, "We're only going to give you the basics, not full warrior training. Because of your comfortable life, you might not become a full warrior."

Now Rusty looked even more miffed. "So why offer me the training? Why not go 'Get out of our territory!', huh?"

Bluestar looked back at him. "We need more warriors. No warriors, no territory. No territory, no gloating about it to our enemies. We do it every full moon, boasting on about how our territory is the best while the others suck. Call it friendly competition."

"So that means you can either be a Clan cat and make something of your life, or you can go back to Twolegplace and play video games all day," said Lionheart. "You cannot live with a paw in each world."

"Dang, who knew you'd hate video games as much as Spottedleaf does?" muttered Graypaw.

Lionheart looked around at him. "I don't hate video games. I just think they're a waste of time, that's all. Now _books_ , on the other hand, I can get used to."

"So..." Bluestar leaned over to Rusty and took a sniff, making Rusty wish that he had a can of pepper spray. "You're still a tom, right?"

Rusty was more puzzled than ever. "Okay, what does that even mean?"

"You haven't yet been taken to see the Cutter yet. You would be very different then." Rusty looked even more puzzled than just more puzzled, so Bluestar sighed and added, "Do I have to explain everything? They're going to neuter you."

"That means...no tenders?" Rusty yelped. He could imagine himself without that part of him and whining, "My children!"

"No tenders, no making kids, just being fat and lazy like Garfield. By the way, you do kinda look like him."

Rusty snorted. "What, do I look like I eat lasagna to you?"

"No, but Garfield eats pizza, and I heard you like pizza. That's why I think you're like Garfield."

Rusty made a mental note to keep looking at himself in the mirror. Had he started becoming lazy like Garfield?

"So anyway, here are the rules," Bluestar said. "You gotta hunt for and feed the Clan first; that means no eating on the job. You also have to fight and show the other Clans who's boss. And you also have to turn up at every Clan meeting for online Pokémon battles." But she smiled as she said, "But you will also keep your jewels, you'll be free from humanity, and you will learn what it means to be a cat."

"Does the song Everybody Wants To Be A Cat counts as learning to be a real cat?" Rusty asked.

Bluestar shook her head. "There are kittypets in that movie, so no."

This made Rusty grumble to himself, _What's up with the house cat hating?_

"Come, Bluestar," Lionheart murmured. "I want to try converting Tigerclaw to the Lord Of The Rings fandom."

"Forget it, Lionheart," said Bluestar. "Tigerclaw doesn't read much books. He likes playing Pokémon more."

But as the three cats turned to leave, Rusty called, "Can I think about it?"

Bluestar nodded. "Sure. Lionheart will come here for you at sunhigh tomorrow," she said. "And in the meantime, I'm missing movie night."

 _Dang, I want some movie night,_ Rusty thought as he watched the cats walk back into the forest. But that felt like an offer that he was okay with. So he turned around and started heading home, completely forgetting the pizza.

 _ **To be continued...**_


	4. The First Day Of Tail-Kicking

**Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Warrior Cats Parody! As usual, if there is anything wrong with this chapter, let me know so I can fix it. I welcome constructive criticism as long as you're polite about it.**

 **So far, we got seven reviews. That's great! Again, I'm not gonna ask for more review, but I hope you read it, at least.**

 **Uploading Date: April 18, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

 _ **The First Day Of Tail-Kicking**_

The next morning, Rusty had woken from his usual dream, which now had the Clan cats in them. After the rain from last night, there were puddles that he would see children splash around in until their parents came to scold them. And for some odd reason, he saw two pigs wallowing in the mud and having a mud fight. _This neighborhood just got weird,_ Rusty thought.

Once he was finished with breakfast, he went outside, where Smudge was watching him from the fence. "Morning, Rusty!" he called from on the fence, holding a donut. "You should've seen the baby sparrows. They look so cute with their little gaping mouths!"

"Did you eat any?" Rusty ventured.

"Ew, no. What's wrong with you?" Smudge replied, wrinkling his nose with disgust. "No, my owner got us some donuts for breakfast. You want some?"

Donuts were pretty tempting, especially the ones with chocolate frosting and cream-filled. But he said, "Nah, I just came to tell you about how I went through the woods."

Smudge's eyes brightened. "Oh yeah, I remember that! No wonder you were being lazy like Garfield." As Rusty bristled at the comparison again, Smudge continued, "Did you get the pizza liked you wanted?"

At this, Rusty sighed. "I knew I forgot something this morning. Thanks for reminding me," he grumbled. "But anyway, I met some wild cats..."

"Wow!" Smudge exclaimed. "Did you beat them up?"

"Nah, I took a Mountain Dew break with the youngest, but I kinda whipped his tail," he bragged. "The older two just told me to leave and then asked me to join their Clan."

Now Smudge didn't look like he believed him. "Baloney, Rusty," he finally said. "Baloney, fudge, and mustard."

Rusty bristled and retorted, "No baloney. No baloney, fudge, or mustard. They really did. They said they needed extra paws in their Clan, and I can get behind that. It's about time I started working for a living."

"You mean... _leave_?" Smudge mewled. He finished the rest of his donut and jumped down, pleading, "But you can't leave, Rusty? What about all the butterflies we chased and the time we fought over my Gameboy Advance?"

"But I don't wanna stick around until they cut my tenders off," insisted Rusty. "Besides, I wanna go out into that wide somewhere, I want so much more than..."

"Okay, I get the Beauty And The Beast song," Smudge said, cutting him off. He sighed and said, "I guess I can accept you leaving. But can we see your family and play Fallout 4 together one more time?"

...

After a day of hanging out with old kittypet friends, Rusty decided that it was time to go. He got to even see his brothers Tommy and Filou as well as his sisters Princess and Luna before he left. Tommy was a big ladies' man and very boisterous, while Filou was more quiet but willing to adventure. Luna was kind of tough and blunt, while Princess was friendlier. All the dynamics of having family close to each other.

So Rusty had beaten Fallout 4 for the seventh time, always choosing the Minutemen ending. Then after his final goodbyes, he got the heck out of dodge and into the forest. He came to the same clearing where he met the Clan cats and took out his phone, playing a zoo app.

"You have a lot to learn, young one." Lionheart had come out of the bushes and still holding his Lord Of The Rings book, followed by a white cat with a metal detector. "Even the tiniest Clan kit can tell when another cat is near."

"How? By pointing fingers and saying 'Mommy, look! A cat!'?" Rusty asked cheekily, putting away his phone.

Lionheart snorted and gestured to the white cat. "This is Whitestorm, one of ThunderClan's senior warriors. He's also the reason we're pretty rich right now; he's also the best metal detector in the Clans."

"Hello, young one," said Whitestorm, turning off his metal detector. "I've heard a lot about you."

Rusty gulped. "Even when I ate ants when I was a kid?" he squeaked.

Whitestorm curled his lip and exclaimed, "You ate ants? What was wrong with you?"

"Hey, I wanted to be an anteater," Rusty replied.

That was when Whitestorm got the pun and started to laugh. Lionheart gave them a weird look before saying, "Okay then. Just follow us, Rusty."

So he and Whitestorm took off running. Rusty tried catching up to them, but they were like cheetahs. This made him wonder if they had gotten any soda from Graypaw and the caffiene must have made them quick.

After an hour of running willy-nilly, the three cats came to a wall of gorse. Rusty was just wondering on how many cats would get over the wall (or if cats get thrown over the wall) when he smelled more cats. And just like that, when they made it to the other side, where there were lots of cats. Even more than the musical cats in The Aristocats.

"Just when the sun is at its highest, it is a time of sharing tongues," Lionheart explained.

"Sharing tongues?" asked Rusty, a little squicked out. "Like...making out?"

Whitestorm bonked him on his head. "No, don't be getting any dirty thoughts now," he hissed. "Lionheart's just saying like grooming each other and sharing the daily news. _That's_ sharing tongues."

 _Still sounds weird,_ Rusty thought. But he did see some cats grooming each other and sharing the daily news...and some were even reading books and playing Nintendo 3DSs.

Lionheart explained on how all cats served the Clan, even the kits, who made arts and crafts to decorate the camp. They then made it to Bluestar, who was texting on her cellphone, before she looked up. She quickly put it away before asking, "So he's come, has he?"

"Oh, he kept up just fine," said Whitestorm. "Sure, he was a little slow and a little young and kind of stupid..."

"Sheesh, pile up the humiliation, why don't ya?" grumbled Rusty.

"But he's kept up," Lionheart added, giving Whitestorm a look that said "Don't push it".

Bluestar smiled. "Great! I'm glad he can join the party." She stood up on the rock and called, "Okay, everyone, come gather at this huge stupid rock!"

All the cats came marching in, and Rusty was made to sit beside Bluestar. He saw Graypaw with his soda, a grouchy-looking dark tabby with a Family Guy canteen, and a pretty tortoiseshell with a Harry Potter book. Seeing this she-cat made Rusty's heart go a-flutter.

"I know this is rarely done before, but we need some extra paws for extra labor," she explained. "That's why we're taking in a kittypet. I know, I know," she added as complaints came up. "We're gonna be wimps because of this, but he's the best choice we got."

"Look at his collar, though! He's a kittypet!" a tabby cat sneered. "Once a kittypet, always a kittypet! This Clan needs pure warriors, not another soft mouth to feed! He doesn't even have a 3DS, for StarClan's sake!"

When Rusty looked closer, he saw that most of the cats did have 3DSs. As he watched on, Lionheart whispered in his ear, "That cat is Longtail. He knows you're a wimp. You must prove that you're _not_ a wimp."

 _Come on, I whipped Graypaw last night,_ Rusty thought indignantly. The hating on house cats was really getting on his nerves. _I'm sure I can handle one warrior._

Longtail continued ranting something about lost kittypets like him and how his bell would alert their enemies. Rusty took it all rather calm...that is, until Longtail mentioned something about Fallout 4 sucking. That was when he was starting to get _really_ mad.

"Do you back down from a - " Lionheart was starting to say, but Rusty was now flinging himself at Longtail. So Lionheart sighed, "You had one chance at it, Lionheart..."

So Rusty and Longtail were now wrestling and using WWE finishing moves on each other. After suffering a torn ear, Longtail tried a Clothesline, but Rusty came bouncing back with an Attitude Adjustment. Thus, Longtail slunk off, muttering on how Rusty's moves were lame, and Bluestar stepped in.

"You've done well, and you look like you were on fire," Bluestar praised him. "From this day on, he will be named Firepaw for his flame-colored coat."

"I guess you can say I'm..." Firepaw grinned took out some sunglasses and put them on. "...all fired up now."

Instead of shouting "YYYEEEEAAAHH!" as usually said after a pun, the cats just cheered his new name. Firepaw let it slide; just hearing his new name was enough.

"Great job whipping Longtail's tail, Firepaw!" called Graypaw, coming over to him. "I heard Longtail could use his tail like a lasso or whip, but that's all a bunch of baloney now."

"So where'd that wimp slink off to?" asked Rusty. He was happy to finally use the word 'wimp' himself.

Graypaw pointed toward a den on the other side of the clearing. "He went to Spottedleaf's den. Spottedleaf's our medicine cat, and she's pretty...and pretty sexy too," he added with a chuckle. Noticing Firepaw get a dreamy look, he added quickly, "But she's off limits!"

"Oh, and Longtail said something about me not having a 3DS," said Rusty. "Do I need one?"

"Since Tigerclaw's really into Pokémon, yeah, you gotta have one," said Graypaw. "But don't worry. We can go raid a Gamestop and get one for you."

Another cat was passing them now, the dark gray tabby with the Family Guy canteen. Firepaw mewed a hello, but the warrior looked like something that got scraped from his shoe...if cats wore shoes, that is.

"Lucky your collar snapped off when it did," the dark gray cat sneered. "It's a shame too, since I wanted to see Longtail smash you like Stewie Griffin with that infected head wound." And with that, he went away.

 _Okay..._ that _wasn't funny,_ Firepaw thought. He remembered Smudge telling him of cats making others watch reruns of modern Family Guy. Maybe this guy was that cat.

"Now Darkstripe is neither young nor pretty," Graypaw remarked. "And he's also not funny. In fact, he's pretty pathetic."

 _You're telling me._ Firepaw wanted to tell Graypaw that, but he never got the chance. He got interrupted by an old gray cat standing guard.

"Smallear smells trouble!" Graypaw exclaimed.

"I am not, whippersnapper!" snapped the gray cat. "I smell that someone has soiled themselves during battle! Shameful!"

Now Graypaw rolled his eyes. "Ah...I get who it is now," he groaned to Firepaw. "It's Ravenpaw. He's a friend of mine, but he's more chicken than a chicken. Why he went with Tigerclaw and Redtail out on a patrol to RiverClan is beyond me."

And just like that, a young cat burst into the clearing. He had short black fur, a long tail ending with a white tip, a white chest, and huge glasses over his eyes. All eyes were on him, and he avoided eye contact.

"What is it, Ravenpaw?" Bluestar asked, getting onto her rock. "You even smell like you soiled yourself in battle. Speak!"

Ravenpaw took out a paper bag and kept breathing into it in loud heavy gasps. Then he popped the bag quickly, making some kits cry from the loud noise, before he finally spoke.

"R-Redtail is dead!" he wailed before falling unconscious.

"Oh no, not again!" Smallear groaned, rolling his eyes.

 _ **To be continued...**_


	5. Welcome To The Clan Life

**Hey, everyone, and welcome back to Warrior Cats Parody! As usual, I hope you like this chapter, and let me know if there's something wrong with it so I can fix it. I welcome constructive criticism as long as you're polite about it.**

 **I'm not sure how long I can continue, however, since I've decided to take a big break from the computer and the 3DS. It's not that I don't like working on this story, but I've got a book series to work on, and I'm gonna try and find a job. So I'll update whatever I can try, and again, I hope you like it.**

 **Uploading Date: April 19, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

...

 _ **Welcome To The Clan Life**_

Ravenpaw had gotten revived by a cold bucket of water thrown onto him. Because of the coldness, he had quickly explained what was going on. Another cat Clan called RiverClan had challenged ThunderClan to a Pokémon battle, but it was tougher due to pseudo-legendary Pokémon being introduced to their battles.

"That lucky jerk! He actually got to go Pokémon battling against RiverClan! If I'd been there, I'd have brought out a legendary Pokémon like Zekrom and - " Graypaw began, but Smallear and Whitestorm shushed him.

Ravenpaw continued, but he suddenly fell unconscious again. Spottedleaf came to his side immediately, making loud noises like an ambulance, and carried him off to her den. That was the weirdest thing Firepaw had ever heard come from a cat's mouth.

A yowl rang from the camp entrance as a large dark brown tabby cat came into the camp. He was covered in battle scars, especially on his face, and he was huffing and puffing as he dragged a huge coffin behind him.

"Yeah, thanks a bunch, you butt-heads!" the big tabby grumbled as he hauled the coffin into the camp. "'Sure, let's let Tigerclaw handle all the heavy lifting!' You got Lionheart too, right?!"

He set the coffin down and stopped to take a breath, and everyone looked down into it. It was a small tortoiseshell tom with a tail as red as a fox, and he was clutching his Nintendo 3DS even in death. Several cats let out meows of shock and grief.

"Redtail!" Bluestar cried. She turned to the tabby and asked, "How did this happen, Tigerclaw?"

"He died an honorable warrior death," Tigerclaw told her. "He died of a heart attack once his Shuckle got taken down, but I managed to defeat Oakheart's Floatzel. RiverClan will not strike again." Pointing to the 3DS, he added, "I heard someone wanting to put a white flag there instead of the 3DS, but Redtail had wanted to die clutching it one more time."

The cats gathered around the coffin, mourning for Redtail. Tigerclaw strolled off toward Spottedleaf's den, and Darkstripe was watching DVDs of modern Family Guy on a portable DVD player.

Graypaw lowered his head and murmured, "Redtail may be dead, but he still lives on in StarClan. See the stars fixing to come out?" He pointed up at the sky. "They appear on that long line of big bluish black thing in big groups and watch over us."

"Oh, you mean the Milky Way," said Firepaw.

"We don't call it that here. We call it Silverpelt," retorted Graypaw.

Firepaw almost grinned. "Why do I think we're gonna call the Milky Way candy bar Silverpelt?" he asked.

But Graypaw shook his head. "Nah, we call it the Milky Way," he said. "Let's go check on Ravenpaw."

As they got close to the medicine den where Longtail had run off to, they saw Spottedleaf and Tigerclaw bending over Ravenpaw. Spottedleaf was inspecting his wound and chatting with Tigerclaw, about Ravenpaw's health, the weather, prey, the Chicago Cubs, you get the idea.

"Come on, you," growled Tigerclaw suddenly, giving Ravenpaw a hard nudge with his claw. "As your commanding officer, I order you to stand up and recite Panzerlied for me."

Firepaw winced. Tigerclaw's claw could pierce through a steak if it was cooked enough properly.

"Hey, be careful with that," Spottedleaf warned the big cat. "Just leave him alone, and he'll recover under my care. You wouldn't argue with a medicine cat, would you, big guy?" she asked with a friendly wink.

Firepaw found himself wishing she could wink at him like that. But he felt a little left out when Tigerclaw chuckled "I wouldn't dare argue with you, dear Spottedleaf", before he backed out of the den. When he spotted Firepaw and Graypaw, though, he took a deep sniff, and his amber eyes narrowed.

"Why would Bluestar let in a kittypet?" Tigerclaw hissed. "I kept telling her to make that gorse wall higher. You know, to keep all the kittypets, loners, and rogues out."

"I didn't sneak in. She let me in," said Rusty, hoping to get on Tigerclaw's good side. "I'm gonna train to be a ThunderClan warrior."

Tigerclaw snickered. "Okay, good joke, really. Why don't you run along now, back to Twolegplace?" But Firepaw didn't move and actually looked serious, so Tigerclaw growled, "Fine then. I'll...pay you twenty-five dollars if you get to be a warrior. You better make me impressed."

And with a scowl, he spun around and marched away.

"So...he likes me, right?" Firepaw asked Graypaw.

Graypaw shook his head. "Nah. He hates everyone, except Goldenflower. He's a big softy to her. He'll buy her flowers and candy, but he'll give the rest of us scowls and barking orders."

They wanted to visit Ravenpaw, but Spottedleaf wouldn't let them until he got better. So Graypaw and Spottedleaf started blowing raspberries at each other until their tongues got too dry. So the two friends left the medicine den and continued the tour around camp.

"So there's the leader's den and the apprentice's den and the warriors' den, blah blah blah. And Lionheart must've shown you the nursery, which I doubt he did," Graypaw prattled on, pointing to each den. "Okay, next stop is the elders den."

They approached a fallen log, where five old cats were sitting. Smallear was trying to listen to old music through headphones (kinda hard to do with tiny ears), a big tabby tom was munching on a mouse slowly, and a black-and-white cat was knitting alongside a very old gray cat with a clouded eye and an old tortoiseshell cat.

"By the way, the old black-and-white cat's my dad," Graypaw whispered to Firepaw. "I asked my mom why, but Willowpelt says she's mad at him."

"Why?" Firepaw asked.

"Because they're brother and sister, and they remembered that when I was born," said Graypaw, making a face. "Weird, right?"

 _That's beyond weird, that's "beweird",_ Firepaw thought as he made a face too.

Smallear was the first to notice them. "Hello, youngsters," he called in a slight Scottish accent. "Have you two eaten?"

"Not yet, Scrooge McDuck," said Graypaw with a grin.

"Come off it, you loony," Smallear scolded him. "It's not my fault one adaptation of our series made me Scottish...even if that adaptation is pretty good. Now then," he went on, his tone friendlier as he turned to the other elders, "you mind if these youngsters share a mouse?"

The elders shook their heads, as if they were one cat.

"Go on and help yourselves," said Smallear. "Dustpaw and Sandpaw are turning into fine hunters. Must be because of lending them the slingshots I've had since I was a kit."

He showed them a small pile of mice, and Firepaw and Graypaw picked one out. Graypaw said, "Okay, now's the time to try a mouse like you've always wanted. Hope it's better than pizza."

Firepaw took a bite out of the mouse and felt his taste buds explode. He had always loved pizza, but now he loved a kind of prey just as good as pizza. "This is amazing!" he purred, licking his lips.

"Then that means you're no longer a wimp," said Graypaw, pulling out two soda cans and tossing one to Firepaw. "And nothing goes better with a mouse than some Pepsi!"

As the young cats ate and drank, Smallear asked, "One-Eye, how long until Bluestar appoints a new deputy? She has to appoint one before moonhigh."

"What?" One-Eye asked, being half deaf.

"I think your hearing's gone as poor as your eyesight," Smallear snapped, giving the old she-cat a nudge. "I said 'How long until Bluestar appoints a new deputy'!"

One-Eye's response? "...what?"

Smallear growled silently to himself, "I hate my life."

"Dappletail," said One-Eye, turning to the old tortoiseshell, "do you remember when Bluestar herself became deputy?"

"Oh yes, I remember!" Dappetail replied. "It wasn't long after she lost her kits."

 _Why do I get the feeling that I'm gonna remember that?_ Rusty thought.

Once they were done eating, they joined the other cats outside as they finished their vigil for Redtail. Tigerclaw was there too, but he was playing his 3DS instead of grieving. "Come on, that's not a Brave nature Charmander," Firepaw heard the tabby growl. But the grieving came to an end when Bluestar showed up on her "big stupid rock", as she called it.

"So we bury Redtail, I will announce my new deputy and give him or her the first taste of Coca-Cola as the new deputy," said Bluestar, holding up a can of Coca-Cola. "Lionheart, get your lion butt up here!"

Lionheart looked surprised, but he came up and accepted the drink. He took a sip and held up the can as a toast, soda still on his mouth fur like a soda mustache. "As young Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee take responsibility to take the Ring to cast it into the heart of Mount Doom," he declared, "I too will take responsibility for being the deputy."

That made the Clan raise their cans too as a toast.

Tigerclaw quietly threw a tantrum. But he kept it inside as he "heartily" congratulated Lionheart with a hearty smack on the back of the head.

"Oh, and two more things I wanna add," Bluestar said. "First, Darkstripe will be Dustpelt's new mentor. Just don't get a swelled head," she told Darkstripe, who had puffed his chest out pompously. She had taken up Redtail's 3DS plus the games and added, "And second, since Firepaw hasn't had a 3DS yet, I'll give him Redtail's, along with his Pokémon games and the Pokémon in there too. Treat them well."

Then she very carelessly threw them toward Firepaw, but a tabby named Runningwind caught the stuff before they hit the ground. He gave them to Firepaw, saying, "Here you go, new buddy."

"Um...thanks," Firepaw replied.

As the cats gathered around Redtail's coffin, ready to take it out for burial, Graypaw said, "I'm feeling tired. Let's get to bed."

So they went off to bed, but not before having some more soda. Rusty had noticed that Graypaw could chug soda down as if it was water. When they were done, they went to the apprentices' den, where they saw a pale ginger cat fixing to curl up for the night.

"You're the new ThunderClan apprentice?" she sniffed. "Ugh...you had to interrupt my Cheetah Girls movie with that kittypet stench!"

Firepaw felt a little taken aback, but Graypaw chuckled. "Sandpaw's usually not like this," he told Firepaw. "She's been watching too much Disney Channel sitcoms. It was bound to bite her back sooner or later."

Sandpaw glared at him. "So will all that caffiene you're drinking," she spat.

Now Graypaw glared back at her.

"I'm sensing hostility over here," came Whitestorm's voice, and he stepped into the den with his metal detector on. "Sandpaw, I thought you'd show your new Clanmate some decency."

"Sorry," Sandpaw mewed, though she looked as sorry as seeing mosquitoes die. "I just didn't know he'd be a kittypet, that's all."

Whitestorm told her, his voice still kind but firm, "Well, you'd better get used to it. Bluestar said that a kittypet is better than no cat." To Firepaw, he said, "Get some sleep. Tomorrow, your first day of hell awaits."

Firepaw, who was curling up in a nest, asked, "What was that?"

"Um...training begins tomorrow," Whitestorm blundered. "Anyway, good-night, sleep tight, dream of bedbugs tonight and all that."

He quickly left the den, his metal detector beeping all the way.

Firepaw and Graypaw settled beside each other...but not _too_ close beside each other. They fell asleep, visions of mice and birds and RiverClan cats dancing in their heads.

 _ **To be continued...**_


	6. Training From Hell - I Mean, Training

**Wildstar93: Hey there, everyone, and welcome back to the Warrior Cats parody! Sorry it took this long to update; we've had a busy time. I've been to therapy, we've been to Pennsylvania, and I'm writing down more book ideas. I'm even thinking of uploading my first-ever Samurai Jack story sometime in the future.**

 **You all know the drill. I hope you like this chapter, and if there's anything wrong here, please let me know so I can fix it. I also welcome constructive criticism as long as you're polite about it.**

 **Uploading Date: June 6, 2017 (Bravelands: Broken Pride comes out)**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

 _ **Training From Hell...I Mean, Training**_

"Rusty! Rusty! Rusty!"

Firepaw wanted to sleep, having a good dream of finally getting The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim Remastered, but the annoying voice kept going. It was like a bug he wanted to squish badly.

"Rusty! Rusty! Rusty! Rusty! Rusty! Rusty!"

"WHAT?!" Firepaw yelled, sitting up and facing Graypaw.

Graypaw grinned. "Hi," he said with a quick giggle. He cleared his throat and said, "Anyway, training's gonna begin. Lionheart and Tigerclaw said they'll wait at the training area."

So Firepaw immediately got up, and like Robin Hood and Little John, he and Graypaw went runnin' through the forest. When they got to the training hollow, Tigerclaw and Lionheart were already there. The former was playing a Pokémon game on his 3DS while the latter was reading Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers.

"You're late," Tigerclaw growled, putting away his 3DS. "Ten points from Gryffindor."

"Wrong story, Tigerclaw," said Lionheart, giving the other cat a nudge. He put away his Lord of the Rings book and said, "Today, we'll be touring the territories, but since there's no trespassing allowed, we'll need some spy gear."

He passed out some camoflage spray paint. Rusty was about to complain that it's only spray paint when he saw the other cats spraying it onto themselves. So he just shrugged and sprayed some paint on himself. When they were done, they went off pass some random place with tree-cutting machines and smoking joints before passing the Twolegplace.

"Now we're passing the Twolegplace, where the Twolegs go crazy," said Lionheart as they started walking. "Anyone see anything?"

Firepaw peeked out of the bushes before looking back. "I see two Twolegs making out, but nothing out of the ordinary," he reported.

"Bleh," Tigerclaw grimaced. "Romance...basically poison to every Clan cat. I'm glad Goldenflower and I broke it off quick."

"But she was telling everyone that you're Swiftkit's dad," said Lionheart.

Tigerclaw scowled. "Looks more like Patchpelt than me. I'm gonna call Dr. Phil about that when we get back to camp."

They decided to ignore that little tidbit and continued on. Away from the Twolegplace, they came across the river, a place of frogs and fish and perhaps a sneaky Kappa. Fortunately, there was no Kappa out today.

"Over there is RiverClan," Tigerclaw said. "They swim, eat fish, and are just as obsessed with Pokémon as we are. And we fight for Sunningrocks so we can boast on how ThunderClan is better than the other Clans. After that, we eat, sunbathe, and practice for Pokémon tournaments."

"Isn't that where Redtail died?" Firepaw asked. "And Oakheart too?"

"I'm still alive, you know..." rasped a still-barely-alive Oakheart, whose face was being smushed by Tigerclaw's foot. Since he only noticed this, Tigerclaw stomped on him a few time, hushing him up.

"Yes, that is where they died," said Lionheart. "Everyone use some spray-paint here."

They all took out some spray-paint and made it their own styles. Lionheart made his into a poster for the first Lord Of The Rings movie. Tigerclaw made his into him wielding all sorts of weapons. Graypaw made his into just a big Mountain Dew can. And Firepaw made his into the series finale of Samurai Jack. Once Graypaw complimented his new friend on that, they went the heck out of dodge.

As they climbed a hill, Firepaw thought, _I wish the Clan could drive a car. We'd get their faster. Then again, they got those hovering skateboard things that were in the news two weeks ago._ He could now imagine all of ThunderClan riding around on these to hilarious effect.

Finally, they arrived at the top of the hill, overlooking an area with four trees surrounding a big stupid rock. Firepaw wondered what the four trees stood for: either the four elemental nations, the four Hogwarts houses, or celebrating burning all four Twilight books.

"Over there is Fourtrees, where all four Clans gather," said Lionheart. "Some dead cats decided that it would be fun to have parties together...but we cut that when some nutcase named Mapleshade went nuts. Anyway, we all gather and talk about territory, who's having babies, who killed who, and TV shows we liked when we were kids."

"But we're all separated," Tigerclaw added. "And that's the way I like it. No RiverClan cat's gonna step onto my grass without a shotgun to the - "

He was interrupted when Firepaw asked rather boldly, "That seems stupid. How about we all get together someday and sing 'Why Can't We Be Friends'?"

No one said anything, and one could hear a crow just cawing in the distance...followed by it falling down. Finall able to respond, Tigerclaw threw Firepaw against a tree. "Tell me you didn't just say that, you dumb kittypet!" he spat. "And we don't sing that song here! We in ThunderClan are proud to sing Thunderstruck!"

"Whoa there, Tigerclaw," Lionheart said, running over to pick up Firepaw. "Let's not go roughing up the new kid. He's new to this whole thing." Then he told Firepaw, "You speak from your heart, young Firepaw. That may make you a great warrior one day."

"Oh, when he speaks from his heart, it's okay," Tigerclaw grumbled. "But when _I_ speak from my heart, I get a slap on the wrist!"

Lionheart gave him a look. "Maybe it's because you've got flails, whips, and daggers in your nest," he replied.

Tigerclaw flinched before saying, "They're not flails, whips, and daggers! They're experiments for the battlefield!"

This made Lionheart roll his eyes before saying, "Ignoring that, no, we cannot be friends. Now it's time to see what ShadowClan's like."

"It stinks worse than badgers!" Graypaw added.

Suddenly, there was a badger standing across from them. It gave a very offended "Hmph!" and stomped away. The cats ignored that and headed out toward the road. They avoided anything from bicycles to vans and even the occasional ice cream truck with lots of kids forcing themselves inside.

"There it is," said Graypaw said, dodging a melting ice cream cone. "That's ShadowClan over there."

"How can you tell ShadowClan is over there?" Firepaw asked.

"They have claw marks and beaten-up teddy bears on the side of the Thunderpath," explained Lionheart, pointing to said evidence on the other side. "I mean, not every ShadowClan cat is bad, but have you seen their new deputy Brokentail?"

Firepaw rolled his eyes. "Sure, I saw him a million years ago," he said in a sarcastic way. "No, I came here yesterday! How would I meet him?"

Lionheart backed away. "Triggered much?" he asked. "I was only saying that he's the one who came up with that. In fact, I even heard of how he would eliminate all books in ShadowClan." He turned to Tigerclaw, who was busy playing his 3DS and called, "Are you ready to head back to camp, Tigerclaw?"

"Yeah, just hearing how there's gonna be Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon coming out as new Pokémon games," Tigerclaw replied.

Graypaw gasped. "No way! Sinnoh remakes would've been nice, though," he muttered.

"Ignoring that, let's head back," said Lionheart. "I think we'll be having tacos for dinner tonight."

...

But as it turned out, there was to be no tacos for dinner tonight. Instead, they had pizza sticks for dinner. Bluestar had announced that for the Gathering, any Clan cat going would have to eat light. So Firepaw and Graypaw went to their den to play Pokémon, where they saw Dustpaw and Sandpaw getting ready for the Gathering.

"Hey kittypet," scoffed Dustpaw, throwing a mouse at him. "Enjoy the food _we_ caught for you."

 _Wow, jerk much?_ Firepaw thought. He had thought that he would at least be quiet considering Redtail's death. "How come you're being a jerk? I didn't do anything bad to you," he told Dustpaw.

"It's because you're a kittypet," Dustpaw replied. "Plain and simple."

Firepaw now felt like he wanted to throw something back at him. Like "Your mama wears combat boots!", but he wasn't sure whom everyone was related to yet.

"Anyway, we were out on a tour," Graypaw spoke up. "We didn't get to see any enemy Clan cats around."

"I bet you were running scared!" Sandpaw giggled not so kindly.

Graypaw puffed himself up. "Oh yeah? Well, we peed so hard that no ShadowClan cat dared come near us!"

Now Firepaw had a bad mental image he would never get rid of. "TMI, Graypaw," he said before turning to his denmates. "I heard there's a Gathering tonight. Are you going?"

"Heck yeah," boasted Dustpaw. "We'll get to see the other Clans while you stay in camp. We're gonna stay up all night with them, go swap manly stories with them, and I'm making waffles in the morning!"

A loud call from Bluestar brought all those attending the Gathering out. Some of the elders were heading out using canes and walkers.

"Bye, nerds," jeered Sandpaw. "See ya after the Gathering!"

 _Nerds?_ Firepaw thought indignantly as he watched them leave.

But Graypaw reassured him, saying, "We'll go to a Gathering one day. And they're calling us nerds because we still cling to our favorite childhood movies and stuff. By the way," he added, lowering his voice, "you spray-painted the Samurai Jack finale on Sunningrocks, right? Can we see it?"

Firepaw nodded.

...

The next day, Ravenpaw was well enough to join Firepaw and Graypaw. Only he didn't look so happy to train. He just hung back to read a book while Firepaw and Graypaw did a Pokémon battle this time. Firepaw was getting the hang of playing Pokémon, but he had still yet to learn the EV training stuff. Plus, there was a lot to be said for what they saw on the DVD last night.

"Come on, Ravenpaw, cheer up!" Graypaw urged him.

"I don't wanna open up my scar," mumbled Ravenpaw, who yelped as Tigerclaw poped up behind him.

"Having that battle scar makes you a man," growled Tigerclaw. "Either be a man and boast about it, or be a weakling and shut up. In other word, either man up or shut up."

Ravenpaw yelped again and hid his book. That was when Firepaw was that it was a coloring book instead of chapter books that he had seen in the Clan.

Now Lionheart was coming into the clearing, carrying two Lord Of The Rings books. "Good morning class and all who inhabit it," he said. "First lesson today is to learn to hunt mice. What can you tell me about how to hunt mice?"

Ravenpaw didn't answer, for Tigerclaw had told him to shut up. Graypaw had suggested getting elephants to crush the mice since he thought elephants were scared of mice. It was only when Firepaw suggested "stepping lightly" (to which Tigerclaw scoffed) did they start practicing.

As they did, Graypaw did his well, though he waved his butt around like he was a duck. Ravenpaw was doing the same, though not on purpose. Firepaw decided to go for an epic ninja crouch...not to much effect.

"You call that a crouch?! I've seen a dog bend down further than that to pass gas!" Tigerclaw spat.

"Even though I agree, at least he's trying," Lionheart told Tigerclaw, putting his book away.

Tigerclaw grumbled, but he said, "Yeah, you're right. At least he's not Ravenpaw. That little wimp can't stop falling over!"

Ravenpaw looked like he was going to cry, and Firepaw told Tigerclaw, "Don't pick on him! His injury's bothering him!"

"Shut your mouth, kittypet," growled Tigerclaw. "At least you're doing a lot better than Ravenpaw! You, a kittypet, get a crouch right, yet he, a Clan-born apprentice, ends up looking like a duck! Seriously! Why would Bluestar make me train a wimp?!"

Nobody spoke for a moment...except maybe a faraway crow crowing. Then Graypaw strode up and said, "Crouches are boring anyway. Can't we use a butt-slam on mice? You know, like how Po fought Tai Lung in Kung-Fu Panda."

"No, no. Don't show us that," said Lionheart, waving a paw. "Just go out there and see what you can find. Do your best."

"In other words, if you don't catch any prey, everyone gets to point and laugh at you," added Tigerclaw. "Even if you do...I'll still do it."

Lionheart nodded. "Tigerclaw is right. He'll laugh at you even if you do hunt well," he said. "Well then, you three, you better get on with it."

So he gave all three apprentices maps on where to go, and off they went. Firepaw took the route around an ancient stream, which was probably full of leaves, twigs, and lungfish complaining about the stream never filling up.

Just then, he saw a mouse nibbling on some cheese. This has nothing to do with the story; just wanted to say that it has some cheese. Firepaw crouched low, ready to pounce, and he could hear Graypaw yelling "Everybody was kung-fu fighting!" from a long distance away. Not distracted, he delivered a Five Knuckle Shuffle to the mouse before giving it a killing blow.

"YES! YES! YES!" Firepaw cheered in the way of Daniel Bryan. "I caught my first prey!"

"Well, that's great, 'cause you scared _mine_ away!" Tigerclaw called back.

"Oops," Firepaw mewed.

But he didn't feel bad for long. He was going to be a warrior. And with that, he would finally get that Little Caesar's pizza.

 ** _To be continued..._**


	7. Of Dice And ShadowClan

**Wildstar93: Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Warrior Cats Parody! As usual, I hope you like the chapter, and let me know if there's anything wrong so I can fix it. I appreciate constructive criticism as long as you're polite about it.**

 **To go off track here, do I regret making Kataang Island Adventure and its sequel? Yes...yes, I do. That was a bad decision on my part, and I deeply regret it. Once upon a time, I was really proud of it, and they were non-crossover FanFics that I actually completed. But now I consider them two of the worst stories I've written, and I don't know what I was thinking when I made then. I guess I wanted an erotic kind of Kataang adventure...but then again, I think I've said too much. Let's get back to the story.**

 **Uploading Date: June 15, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

...

 _ **Of Dice And ShadowClan**_

Two moons had passed since Firepaw became part of ThunderClan. He had adapted to their wacky ways, which in truth were about as random as his kittypet ways. Not that he minded too much, though. Firepaw himself had been weird ever since he was born; heck, his mother said that he lit himself on fire when he was born.

One day, Firepaw had gotten the new Bravelands book and was reading through it. He had always liked seeing African animals on TV and was happy to hear that there was a book about it coming out. But as he was finishing up the first few chapters, he heard a rustle in the bushes.

 _Maybe it's a real-life Pokemon,_ thought Firepaw. He had heard Ravenpaw ask if Pokemon were really real. But when he got to the bush, he got quite the surprise.

"Hi-YAH!" yowled Graypaw as he got into a fighting pose.

"Hi...wait. Graypaw?" Firepaw asked.

"Everybody was kung-fu fighting!" Graypaw yelled, having not heard Firepaw.

So they got into a brief WWE match. Firepaw used some moves like the Five Knuckle Shuffle and the Attitude Adjustment. Graypaw favored moves like the Chokeslam and the Big Boot. But once they recognized each other, they started grooming themselves to clear this awkward scene.

"So how's the new book?" Graypaw asked once they stopped wrestling.

"I was just finishing when Fearless gets found by a baboon troop when you had to interrupt," Firepaw scolded him. "Sheesh! Now I won't know if they spare him or eat him!"

Graypaw shrugged. "Sorry. Sounds like a good book."

It was too beautiful a day to have one's gears grinded. So Firepaw said, "Ah, it's okay. I'm gonna go hunting, so I'll finish the book later. Wanna come with?"

"Whatever happened to 'wanna come with me' or stuff like that?" replied Graypaw. "But yeah, sure. I'm starving myself. And I'll be back before I get that message to WindClan."

"What's WindClan like?" Firepaw asked as they began their hunt.

Graypaw took out a Pepsi can and took a sip before saying, "They're fast, eat rabbits, and play World Of Warcraft. Bluestar used to really enjoy it until she stopped having an interest in it. That's why she let Tigerclaw choose ThunderClan's favorite video game."

They shared one more soda before Firepaw smelled something strange. It smelled like a mix of blueberries, rabbit, and Cheetohs. The cats moved on until they almost stumbled into a clearing.

In the clearing, they saw three foxes sitting at a table, playing Liar's Dice. One fox was trying to peek at the number of dice his opponent had before being bonked on the head by a fish.

"That's a fox?" Firepaw remarked. He had heard that one nearly got to him on the night he met Graypaw. "Ew, what an ugly muzzle!"

"And they're _terrible_ cheaters," said Graypaw. "Never play Liar's Dice with a fox. They cheat like there's no tomorrow, and they always get caught. And when they get caught, they'll still cheat. Plus, they eat Cheetohs; that's also a big factor that they cheat. Oh, and we gotta warn Bluestar about them. They can kidnap a kit and make them drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons like Shoe And Shoelace."

Firepaw heard one fox exclaim that another cheated before they got into a brawl. He turned to Graypaw and said, "I heard Halftail saying that he got into a fight with a badger. How did that happen?"

"I heard he beat the badger in a game of Duck Duck Goose, and the badger didn't like it. They're terrible sore losers," explained Graypaw. "And that's why Halftail nearly got his tail nommed and got renamed to Halftail, though he still calls himself Sparrowpelt. I think his tail's probably digested by now."

Suddenly, a squirrel came strolling in front of them, minding its own business. When it saw the cats, it shrieked and started running the other way. But since it saw them first, it got a headstart and managed to outrun Firepaw and Graypaw before finally climbing up a tree. The two cats proceeded to curse a lot, as all cats did if they failed a hunt.

When they were done cursing, Firepaw suddenly said, "My phone's getting a weird signal. It's coming from...across the road."

"You mean the Thunderpath?" Graypaw asked. "Eh, it's probably Darkstripe messing with everyone's signal again."

But Firepaw kept walking and walking until he reached the road. He was sure someone was messing with his signal, and he would catch them. That was when he saw pumpkin-colored eyes through the bushes on the other side.

"Firepaw! Play possum!"

Firepaw looked around in time to see a car driving towards him. It was a Twoleg admiring his new Avalanche truck and watching Madagascar so much that it made him want to swerve without looking. So Firepaw played dead until the truck passed over him, and he ran back to the ThunderClan side of the road...where Graypaw bonked him on the head.

"You wanna be roadkill?" Graypaw hissed, brushing himself off. "You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"Sheesh, don't be a tsundere, Graypaw!" grumbled Firepaw. "I'm sorry! I just saw a ShadowClan cat."

Graypaw's face brightened as he said, "Er...forget the bonking on the head thing ever happened. Let's go tell everyone! Dustpaw and Sandpaw are gonna be so _ticked_!"

"Can we go for some pizza?" Firepaw asked. "I'm starving!"

"Sure," said Graypaw. "I heard there's a Little Caesar's Pizza nearby."

Firepaw felt his spirits rise higher. He had gotten his new Bravelands book, and he had seen his first ShadowClan warrior! Oh, and he was finally going to get pizza.

 _ **To be continued...**_


	8. Old And New Which Is Better?

**Wildstar93: Hey there, everyone, and welcome back to the Warrior Cats Parody! Before we begin this chapter, I have a little story to tell you.**

 **When my mom was a kid, she lived around Orwigsburg and Pottsville. Sometimes for lunch, they had this pizza that she said was the best pizza they've ever had. I think eventually, they opened a pizzeria with the same kind of pizza my mom had at school. She's loved it ever since, and I decided "Hey, why don't I include that in this parody?" And there you have it.**

 **Also, again, I hope you all like this chapter. Anything wrong with it, you just let me know, and I'll fix it. Constructive criticism is always welcome as long as you're civil about it.**

 **Uploading Date: June 15, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

 _ **Old And Young...Which Is Better?**_

Graypaw went to meet with WindClan, leaving Firepaw all by his lonesome. He had found his first ShadowClan cat, and he would celebrate with pizza. But...why _did_ he want to get pizza? Was it because he was born in an Italian restaurant?

"No, that's Garfield," Firepaw told me, the narrator. "Quit with the comparisons already! Sheesh!"

"Sorry. You do look kind of like Garfield."

"Do I look like I'm orange and in charge?"

"You're orange, but you're not in charge. What about Don - "

"Didn't Spottedleaf say no politics in this story?"

"Were you there when she said that?"

"...touché."

Suddenly, he was blindsided by a cheap shot. A huge boxing glove had sent him crashing to the nearest tree. But since he was not in an anime world, the tree did not split in two and then fall. That was when he finally got a good look at his attacker.

"Ha. A puny apprentice! Easy prey for Yellowfang," the cat remarked, an old dark gray she-cat with a flat muzzle. "From now on, you're a Pajama-wearing basket face, slipper wieldin', clype-dreep-bachle, gether-uping-blate-maw, bleathering gomreil, jessie oaf-looking scooner, nyaff plookie shan, milk drinkin', soy-faced shilpit, mim-moothed snivelin' worm-eyed hotten-blaugh, vile-stoochie, cally-breek-tattie!"

If they weren't fighting, Firepaw would've smiled. Did this Yellowfang like Samurai Jack too? But he had a job to do, and that was to make sure that this cat was off of his territory, and he could go back and work on building his Pokémon team.

"You're on ThunderClan turf," said Firepaw. "Move on!"

"Oh? And who's gonna make me?" sneered Yellowfang, briefly blowing a raspberry at him. "I'm just here to get something to eat. And maybe THEN I'll be out of your pelt."

Firepaw brightened a little at one part she said. "Are you going to Little Caesar's Pizza?" he asked.

"Little Caesar's Pizza? I ain't here for that junk!" Yellowfang scoffed. Then with a proud look on her face, she went on, "If you ask me, the only best pizza is Pottsville Pizzeria. We always had it for lunch back when Cedarstar was the leader."

"Isn't that in Pottsville?" Firepaw asked. "It's got good mountain scenery, from what my owner said. By the way, I got two questions: where exactly is this forest set at, and can we get pizza together?"

Yellowfang took a deep breath as if steeling herself for the answers. "First, I think it's in the New Forest in England...then again, the newer series kinda takes place in a North America area," she mumbled to herself. Then she snorted and went on, "And second, after the way you flat-out jumped on me? I ain't taking you out for pizza!"

 _No pizza?_ Firepaw thought furiously. Out loud, he said, "Liar! You flat-out punched me in the face with a boxing glove. So leave the ThunderClan territory!"

"Excuse me?" Yellowfang retorted. "I could kick your butt easily, right here and right now, you little whippersnapper! That is, if you're gonna stand there like a video game-playing kittypet!"

That really grinded Firepaw's gears. He ran over at her, ready to give her an Attitude Adjustment.

But Yellowfang was quicker than Firepaw thought. She caught him by the throat and said "Don't start what you can't finish, whippersnapper!" before she Chokeslammed him to the ground. Thus, they began their WWE match right here in the forest. Around them, the prey remained totally unharmed, mice even grabbing popcorn to enjoy the fight more.

"I don't wanna hurt you, old lady!" Firepaw warned her.

Yellowfang spat a rotten tooth out. "Are you kidding me? I needed a fight!"

They fought on some more until after the third Attitude Adjustment. They had been evenly matched, but this one sent Yellowfang down to the ground pretty hard. Firepaw kept his guard up, ready in case she played possum.

"Okay, I'm beat!" Yellowfang gasped. "Go ahead, youngster. Run me through with a sword or whatever. What're you waiting for?" she growled as he hesitated. "Are ya a Clan cat or a kittypet?"

This made Firepaw tingle with fury. Was she going to say other kittypet jokes like watching too much Aristocats?

Yellowfang saw the look on his face and cackled. "Ha! I got you triggered! Looks like ThunderClan's decided to bring over a fat lazy kittypet, huh? They're that desperate, huh? Even more desperate when they beat up WindClan for apparently stealing all the Oreos!"

Firepaw frowned. He had no idea what she said, and he didn't want to find out. "No we're not!"

Yellowfang snorted. "Fine. You're not that desperate. I believe you. Whatever." She winced and pulled herself up into a sitting position, briefly doing the grabbing leg gag Peter Griffin once did. "If you don't mind, get me something to eat."

"Pizza?" Firepaw guessed happily.

But Yellowfang gave him a glare. "Nah, you ruined my mood for pizza," she retorted. "I'd like some grilled chicken instead, with red beans and rice. It's fine southern dining right there!"

Firepaw frowned, but there would be another day for pizza. So he left to go hunt it down. But then again, one does not simply find grilled chicken or red beans and rice in the forest. So he went to the local Neighborhood Walmart, snuck some samples out, and carried them back to Yellowfang.

When he came back, Yellowfang pretty much took it with just a grumbling "Thanks" before she began eating. As the old cat ate and burped, Firepaw started going over his phone, looking for more Harry Potter FanFiction. He was looking for what of it he liked better or least than canon. But the old she-cat saw this and scoffed.

"Back in my day, we didn't use those darn new phones you got," Yellowfang growled. Firepaw glanced up briefly before continuing, and Yellowfang kept ranting, "And cats used to be respectful of others' opinions. Now we've got you whippersnappers like you mouthing off to tradition and disrespecting their elders! If I weren't as old as I am now..."

Suddenly, she stopped chewing and looked up. "Crap...ThunderClanners are coming this way," she groaned. "Get outta here."

"Is 'ThunderClanner' a real word?" Firepaw asked curiously.

"Why yes, it's as real as...now how should I know that?" hissed Yellowfang. "Are you deaf? I said move it!"

 _You told me to get outta here, not move it,_ thought Firepaw mutinously. But now that he thought it over, he remembered Lionheart saying something like "The Clan and the Fellowship must be fed first!" He had broken the code on his first solo mission, and he was not looking forward to polishing all of the Clan's trophies, elbow grease and all.

 _ **To be continued...**_


	9. Rogue Or Loner? This Gives Me A Headache

**Wildstar93: Hey, everyone and welcome back to the Warrior Cats Parody! Sorry if I've been away for a long while, but I've been pretty busy. I've been in therapy, my sister's getting surgery again, and I've just been trying to decide what book ideas work and what don't. Like I said before, I won't upload this** _ **every**_ **day, but I'll try and write them down and upload them afterward any day I can.**

 **I've got something to confess: I'm hereby no longer a Harry Potter fan, and I'm not a Legend Of Korra fan anymore either. I won't say why since I don't want anyone jumping down my throats, so let's leave it at that.**

 **As usual, I hope you like this chapter, and let me know if I've made any mistakes so I can fix it. Constructive criticism is always welcome as long as you're polite about it.**

 **Uploading Date: July 17, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

 _ **Rogue Or Loner? This Gives Me A Headache**_

Yellowfang tried getting up to run away, but her leg gave way. She did the Peter Griffin leg gag again, this time a little longer than necessary. Before Firepaw could tell her to get out of dodge, the ThunderClan patrol had come along, consisting of Bluestar, Tigerclaw, Darkstripe, and Graypaw.

"Hey, Firepaw," Graypaw mouthed.

"Shut up, you!" Tigerclaw growled at him.

Graypaw glared at him. "I didn't _say_ anything. I mouthed it."

Tigerclaw glared back. "That still counts as talking, so shut up."

Now Bluestar was giving Firepaw a stern look. "What the heck, Firepaw?" she scolded. "I thought you were out getting fresh-kill for the Clan? And I smell that you gave this loner chicken and red beans and rice. So what've you got to say in your defense?"

Firepaw felt ashamed, and Yellowfang snapped, "I'm a rogue! Don't you cats know the difference between loners and rogues these days?"

"Oh, I kinda forgot about you for a moment," said Bluestar, turning to the old cat. "So what's ShadowClan's medicine cat doing out here?"

"I _was_ ShadowClan's medicine cat," growled Yellowfang. "But ever since Brokenstar declared every day be 'No Elders Talking Of The Good Old Days' Day, I decided to hunt alone."

 _Huh...no wonder I felt eager to beat her tail,_ Firepaw thought, briefly curious.

"Let's just waste the old fool," growled Darkstripe. "And we need to make this kittypet pay for his insubordination, like how Stewie Griffin got himself pregnant with dog DNA."

"Shut up, Darkstripe. You're not in charge here, that made no sense, and you're not funny. At all," Bluestar retorted, making Darkstripe pout. "Besides, she's got a lot of juicy ShadowClan secrets she can share."

"Hey! I'm still here, you know!" Yellowfang spat. "Ain't no way I'm giving anything out to you ThunderClanners!"

 _And she calls_ me _out for calling it a word,_ Firepaw thought with a half-smirk.

Bluestar sighed. "We don't got all day talking about if 'ThunderClanners' is a word or not," she said. "Let's get back to camp."

So they decided to help Yellowfang up, Darkstripe wanting to rough her up. He was rewarded with a slap on the face for his troubles, and the cats headed back to camp together.

"What's a loner?" asked Firepaw.

"Like Yellowfang said, there's a lot of confusion about what the differences between loners and rogues are. The books keep messing up the rogues' definition," said Graypaw. "A loner doesn't live with Clans or Twolegs, and neither do rogues. But loners are nice and will sometimes give you mouse-flavored cookies, while rogues will keep trolling you online until you give them something."

Firepaw looked down at the ground. "I might end up as a rogue soon," he mumbled, fearful of the day where he might troll someone online. "Why'd I have to go and eat that rabbit?"

Graypaw chuckled and gave Firepaw a soda. "Yeah, that was stupid," he said bluntly. "But hey, no one's perfect. Besides, Bluestar's a fair leader; she won't exile you. She'll probably make you recite all eight-hundred names of Pokémon all night." Then he sniffed again and said, "Hey, that wasn't a rabbit! That was chicken and red beans and rice! Why didn't you invite me over?!"

This made Firepaw roll his eyes.

...

When they got back to camp, news spread faster than a Facebook messaging reply. Cats had heard of Yellowfang, and they taunted her as she came into the camp, some even mocking pre-chewing her food for her. One cat paid the price with such a death glare that it made him beg his mother to please give him a cookie. Yellowfang even told Spottedleaf (who had come to try (key word being "try") to tend to her wounds) to shut up with the ambulance noise she made since it made her sound stupid.

All the cats got to eat...that is, except Firepaw. Since he ate while on patrol, he had to basically starve. While his belly kept barking at him to eat, he saw Tigerclaw and Bluestar sipping sodas not too far away.

"I _told_ you bringing that kittypet into the Clan was a bad idea," Tigerclaw was growling, slamming his soda down on the little table. "But did you listen? Noooo...and now look what happened!"

"First, watch the table. That last one had its glass shattered three years ago. And second, you said nothing about bringing him into the Clan being a bad idea until just now," retorted Bluestar. "And I _told_ you and Darkstripe that she's got plenty of juicy ShadowClan secrets. You sure you haven't tried on One-eye's hearing aids?"

Tigerclaw growled, "I don't have a hearing problem." But he said nothing else.

Firepaw saw Bluestar walk toward him, and he braced himself for a punishment. But then she walked past him and yelled "YO! Frostfur!" A white cat with blue eyes came out of the nursery, looking tired as mewls sounded out from within.

"Hush, kits. I'll be back," she said to the kits in the nursery. Then she snapped at Bluestar, "Seriously, Bluestar! I had those kits finally falling asleep before you came knocking!"

"Hey to you too, Frostfur. Graypaw said that he saw three foxes gambling near the stream," Bluestar told the white cat. "Wanna tell the others to not go near the foxes and teach the kits not to gamble?"

"Sure," said Frostfur, heading back into the nursery. "And _hopefully_ these kits will fall back asleep!"

Without anyone looking, Firepaw tried sneaking a slice of pizza out of the fresh-kill pile. But Tigerclaw stopped him, took the pizza away (while eating it in front of him, to his dismay), and gave him a mouse to take to the elders. So Firepaw did so and left before the elders could ask which of their knitted sweaters looked better.

Soon, Bluestar called a meeting. Everyone came to her big stupid rock and sat before it, but far away from Yellowfang, who was sitting below it. Even the elders came out, sitting on their porch chairs and watching from a distance.

"Cats of ThunderClan," Bluestar began, "Firepaw found this loner..."

"I told you, I'm a rogue! I _left_ ShadowClan!" Yellowfang shrieked from below the Highrock. "Can you Clan cats not tell the difference?!"

Bluestar yawned. "Yes, but we don't care," she said. "Anyway, bad news is that WindClan's gone. There's no cat anywhere."

Smallear yawned too. "Gosh dernit, this yawning's contagious," he grumbled. Out loud, he called, "Did ShadowClan do it?"

"I think they did," croaked One-eye, who could hear him for some very odd reason. "They've been living on the uplands ever since Graywing the Wise brought the Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs movie from the mountains. Why would Raggedstar do this?"

"He didn't. He's dead," said Bluestar. "Their new leader Brokenstar wouldn't say anything about it. Instead, he said something about how communism is the answer and some other bull."

"Why don't we ask Yellowfang?" growled Darkstripe. "She's a traitor from that stinky ShadowClan."

"First of all, whippersnapper, my Clan never stinks as bad as your jokes!" Yellowfang retorted.

Some cat in the back played a video of a Yo Mama audience going "OHHHHH!"

"And second, I wouldn't tell any ShadowClan secrets to your ugly mug!" Yellowfang concluded.

"OHHHHH!" went the Yo Mama video again.

Darkstripe, however, snarled and prepared to fight Yellowfang, but Bluestar was ready. She sprayed Darkstripe with vinegar from a spray bottle.

"First of all, cut that out," Bluestar commanded. "And second, I want all cats to be on guard twenty-four seven. Get as much coffee as you can to stay up, and switch with other cats often. Oh yeah, and Firepaw gets to be my third apprentice," she added. "Since Frostfur and Runningwind were once my apprentices, I hope they can help me train you."

"Sorry, but I've got kits to look after," said Frostfur.

"Yeah, and I'm missing the first season of Last Man Standing," added Runningwind.

Firepaw was stunned and a little happy, ignoring some gasps. _He_ was to be the leader's new apprentice? Graypaw gave him a grin and nudged him.

But Tigerclaw did not look happy. "Sure thing, Bluestar," he growled. "Give rewards to cats who don't deserve 'em. Why don't you chop off your tail and give that to him too?"

"Leave the lame gore jokes to Darkstripe, Tigerclaw. Firepaw's with me now, and _I'll_ decide his punishment," said Bluestar. She turned to Firepaw and went on, "Firepaw, you will be responsible for caring for Yellowfang. Bring her some food, change her bedding, and get rid of her fleas. Oh, and no video games until that's done."

Firepaw groaned, but he had no choice.

"Great idea, Bluestar!" Dustpaw jeered. "That kittypet's gonna need all the hunting he can get!"

"And he'll need to be an expert in cracking fleas!" Sandpaw giggled unkindly.

Now Bluestar asked, "And did either of you send the elders 'thank you' cards for their services as well?"

That made Dustpaw and Sandpaw look ashamed.

"Thought so," Bluestar said. "There's no shame in caring for an elder who cannot take care of his or herself. I mean, I'd do it, but I gotta get a haircut."

 _Bluestar doesn't have hair. She's...oh, wait, hair's all over our bodies,_ Firepaw thought. _Does that mean we have them on our...ugh! Bad thought!_

So Bluestar went to get a...fur-cut, I guess, and the other cats went off to do their usual cat stuff. As Firepaw prepared to go over to Yellowfang, Longtail came swaggering up to him, holding a plate of Totino's pizza sticks.

"So sorry to hear you've gotta look after the old flea-bag," Longtail said in a mock sympathetic tone. He held out the plate and said, "Here. Have a pizza stick."

Eager to at least get a taste of pizza, Firepaw reached out to grab it.

"Psych!" Longtail sneered, snatching it away and eating it in front of him. "Serves you right for taking in an outsider."

"How does it feel to be mixed between a Pikachu and a Leafeon?" asked Firepaw.

That made Longtail's sneer turn to a scowl as he stomped away. With satisfaction, Firepaw heard Longtail then mutter uncertainly " _Am_ I a mix of those two?"

 _ **To be continued...**_


	10. Caring For Elders For Dummies

**Wildstar93: Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Warrior Cats parody! Sorry I've been gone for a while, we've been busy with stuff. Still going to therapy, we celebrated my youngest niece's birthday, and I'm just ready for fall to really start for real in our area. It's been hot nearly 24/7 where I live.**

 **I'd like to start off this chapter with an apology. I said in the last chapter note that I was going into therapy, and I didn't explain myself. There's nothing wrong with me, and I'm not sick. It's just counceling and stuff like that to get some business done and over with.**

 **Uploading Date: September 22, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

 _ **Caring For Elders For Dummies**_

While Firepaw grumbled about not getting anything to eat, Yellowfang yelled from her new prison.

"You might wanna go see her," said Graypaw. "And if she's giving you too much trouble, I'll make her listen to Let The Bodies Hit The Floor."

"You like that song?" Firepaw asked with a weirded out face.

Graypaw shook his head. "Nah, Tigerclaw said that he heard it from Brokenstar at the recent Gathering," he said. "Maybe tonight we can make him listen to the Teletubbies theme by accident?"

Firepaw snorted with laughter, but Yellowfang's yowl made him frown again. He waved goodbye to Graypaw and ran off to the prisoner.

"So then..." Yellowfang said with a leer, looking like a less creepy version of the witch from Snow White. "You're a pureblooded kittypet, right? Yo mama or daddy a kittypet?"

"Um...yeah," said Firepaw.

"First off, it's pretty dumb to be looked after by a kittypet," Yellowfang jeered, trying to rile him up. "Second, if you apprentices didn't play so much video games, you'd see a lot more in life like all this nature around us. And third, how about you take that tail of yours and beat it back to Twolegplace?"

Now _that_ made Firepaw angry. Standing up straight, he said, "First off, will everyone stop saying 'First off' and all that stuff? It's getting annoying! Second, you're saying I'm disrespectful, but you tear into me for playing video games. That's not what I call respectful, and I wasn't even _talking_ about video games. And third, I'm not going anywhere! You're just gonna have to get used to being taken care of, grandma!"

That was when Yellowfang started wheezing. Firepaw now felt bad for what he said. Was she having a heart attack? But Yellowfang wasn't having a heart attack...she was _laughing_!

When she finished, she said, "You know what, kitty? You've got spunk, and I respect spunk in a younger cat. How about you add some more respect by getting me some medicine?"

"Um...okay." So Firepaw ran off quickly before Yellowfang's mood could change again.

When he got to Spottedleaf's den, he realized that it smelled really nice, like really good vanilla. Firepaw went inside and saw Spottedleaf brushing leaves out of her den with her tail, and he felt his heart go aflutter just at the sight of her.

"Um...hey," stammered Firepaw, catching her attention.

"Hey yourself," said Spottedleaf with a smile. "It's been a while since the other apprentices came by. And I'm glad you came to visit."

"Um...wasn't that creepy?" Firepaw asked. As much as he liked this chick, this felt a little too awkward for him.

"...let's just skip that and get to the medicine," she said, also thinking that it's awkward to like an apprentice _that_ way. "Anyway, what'd you want?"

So Firepaw listed the herbs because the narrator can't be bothered, and Spottedleaf went to get them. Before he left, she gave him a slight wink, which he returned when his heart went aflutter again. And when he got Yellowfang her herbs, he ran off to get her something to eat, imagining doing things with Spottedleaf. Like having dinner, taking a stroll, and watching Jurassic World together.

...

Three days later, Firepaw had still taken care of Yellowfang. He even listened to "back in my day" stories that she liked to tell, and he felt himself starting to get used to her company. On this morning, Firepaw realized that it was soon time for training, so he rolled over and gave Ravenpaw a hearty nudge.

"Ahhh!" Ravenpaw squealed, waking up. "I didn't mean to take Tigerclaw's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream!"

"Um...okay, we won't tell him," Firepaw said, rolling his eyes. _Now I know what story to tell Tigerclaw tonight._ "Anyway, training's gonna start soon."

Ravenpaw took out and used his inhaler, which he got for panic attacks. The two apprentices headed out to their tree stump hangout place, where Graypaw, Dustpaw, and Sandpaw were passing time and doing apprentice stuff.

"Hey Firepaw," Dustpaw jeered, doing his exercises. "Bet you wish you were out hunting and fighting and doing pushups with us, huh?"

"I think Bluestar should just keep kittypets in camp at all times," Sandpaw added in her jeer as she trimmed her claws.

Firepaw rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and I'm gonna be a father to seven kits," he bit back, checking his phone. "Anyway, who's training in what?"

"Whitestorm's letting me use his metal detector today," Sandpaw declared. "He said it's time for me to look for Curly's Gold or something."

Graypaw grinned. "Cool. But Lionheart's gonna teach me how to fight orcs and goblins and stuff," he said. "Oh, and he's gonna teach me how to climb. You wanna come with me, Firepaw?"

"Nah, can't," said Firepaw. "I gotta get Yellowfang some donuts. For some reason, she wants coconut shavings on them."

All the apprentices retched in disgust, and Dustpaw rasped, "Okay, that's one thing I'll agree with you on, kittypet."

...

So Firepaw had gone out and got some donuts from a donut shop for Yellowfang. He made sure it was coconut lest he get an earful from her. And it seemed that not everyone liked coconut...except for Whitestorm, who seemed to like the weird taste.

"Good," declared Yellowfang as Firepaw handed her the donuts and coffee. "There's some fleas near my tail and butt. Get 'em out, will ya?"

 _Ewww,_ Firepaw thought while retching. But Yellowfang snapped, "I'm not some pedophile, young'un. Are you gonna get 'em out, or do I have to grow a long giraffe neck and get them out myself?"

Shuddering, Firepaw set to work on finding the fleas. In the meantime, Yellowfang started reading Lionheart's copy of The Fellowship Of The Ring because he was now starting The Two Towers.

Not too far away, the kits were playfighting. They had little wooden swords and shields, and Firepaw dreaded the day they'd discover iPhones and such.

"Feel my teeth, Brokenstar!" one of the kits was calling, a golden tabby kit named Thornkit. "You won't kill a kit while I'm around!"

One gray kit named Cinderkit protested, "But it's not right to use the word 'kill'! Say 'harm' or 'injure'! That's the right way to say it!" She launched herself at Thornkit, but she missed and hit Yellowfang instead.

Instantly, Yellowfang was on her paws, shouting at the kit, "Quit being politically correct, you little furball!"

Cinderkit wailed and ran off to the nursery, where she was comforted by another queen named Speckletail. Speckletail glared at Yellowfang, who shrugged and went back to reading the book.

"You can't really blame the kits," Firepaw said as he continued grooming her fur. "They don't know anything about political correctness yet."

"Yeah, well, look where that got ShadowClan!" spat Yellowfang. "That never happened in my Clan until Raggedstar became the deputy. Now keep those furballs away from me!"

Firepaw offered her a cookie...which she threw at his head, and it bonked off his skull. "I thought all elders liked kits and were nicer."

Yellowfang looked like she'd throw another cookie at him. "What, you think I'm one of those old people who knit and sew a whole lot? Besides, medicine cats don't have kits," she snarled. With sadness, she added, "And besides, bad things happen to them while I'm around."

Firepaw felt sorry for her and was about to tell her so. But then he saw something among the dark gray fur and said, "There's some more fleas. I think I left their heads behind."

"I don't want gross flea heads on my butt, thank you very much!" the old medicine cat snarled. "Go find that pretty little medicine cat and ask her for some mouse bile!"

"Erm...what is that, and how do mice make that?" Firepaw asked. But inside, he did not want to know. It sounded gross.

Yellowfang sighed. "Easy. They do it by...now why should I tell you that?!" she ended up snapping. "Just go get some!"

She threw an unfinished donut at Firepaw this time, and he quickly ran for the medicine den.

When he got there, Firepaw learned from Spottedleaf that mouse bile came from the mouse's liver. He threw up for about fifteen seconds, so Spottedleaf had to get him a bucket before getting him the mouse bile.

"Be sure to spread it out among the skin so that the fleas and ticks get sick," she instructed him. "And make sure you wash it off...but not with your tongue. Last time I smelled it up close, it smelled like old sneakers mixed with some rotten eggs and dead fish with just a hint of skunk fumes."

"Um...thanks again," Firepaw said, trying not to gag.

Because the narrator didn't feel like it, he described how Firepaw had to put the mouse bile on Yellowfang, and she squirmed like a Mexican jumping bean. Then Firepaw had to go to the stream to wash it off (but not before hearing Halftail talking about how he got his tail bitten off for the hundredth time), and he performed a cannonball in the stream, scaring the fish. But no ThunderClan cat would eat fish, lest one of them be Nemo.

Oh, and he went hunting with Graypaw and Ravenpaw.

...

When they got back, Lionheart and Tigerclaw greeted them. Lionheart was now reading The Two Towers, and Tigerclaw had finally gotten his Brave nature Charmander, now a Charmeleon. As the apprentices brought their prey over, their reactions were different.

"Good job, you three!" Lionheart praised them. "Take the night off and eat all you like, like how hobbits have second breakfast. Bluestar declared this night an all-you-can-eat night."

The apprentices cheered, "Yay!"

"Yeah, it's fine," said Tigerclaw without even looking at the prey. "And you better not neglect Yellowfang, Firepaw...not that I care for that loner."

"I heard that!" yelled Yellowfang from a distance. "I'm a rip-knocking rogue, you hear me?!"

The apprentices were then allowed to eat in their den, so they took that and the human food with them. No pizza among the human food, Firepaw had thought with a longing sadness. But hey, at least Sandpaw and Dustpaw weren't around to bother them.

As they ate their food and drank their soda, Graypaw exclaimed, "Hey, our buddy Ravenpaw squeezed a compliment out of old Tigerclaw!"

"What'd he do?" Firepaw asked. "Fly?"

"Yeah, sure," said Graypaw. "And we can glue airplane wings onto Ravenpaw and toss him off the gorge!"

Firepaw and Ravenpaw gulped. "You wouldn't really do that, would you?" mewled Ravenpaw.

Graypaw rolled his eyes. "I gotta take more sarcastic lessons from Dustpaw sometime."

"Well, I caught a crow and called it a bad name," Ravenpaw mumbled. "I just called it stupid, that's all."

"That's nice, but wow, a crow!" Firepaw exclaimed.

"And Tigerclaw even said it was a good catch," said Graypaw. "Weird, since he's been in a bad mood ever since Lionheart became deputy."

"You sure?" asked Firepaw. "I thought he's been in a bad mood when I told him Ravenpaw took his chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream."

Ravenpaw was about to complain about it when Yellowfang was calling for some tacos. Firepaw was going to get up and get her something to eat, but Graypaw beat him to it by picking up two mice. But all plans have a hitch, because Tigerclaw popped out from the side like mole in a Whack A Mole game.

"Graypaw! Where are you off to?!" Tigerclaw barked in the manner of a boot camp instructor. "Not helping Firepaw feed that old loner, are you?"

"I'M A ROGUE, GOSH DARNIT!" roared Yellowfang from her place.

They ignored her, and Graypaw chuckled. "Er...why?"

But Tigerclaw did not smile. Instead, he said, "Your argument is so bad that you must be punished. Now drop down and give me ten push-ups, on the double!"

Graypaw got down and started doing push-ups.

"Say flank steak every time you push up," said Tigerclaw.

"Flank steak," repeated Graypaw as he pushed up and down.

When Graypaw got back up, Tigerclaw commanded, "Now if you're so eager to eat those mice yourself, I suggest you eat them right here and now."

"But...I'm full," Graypaw complained.

Tigerclaw gave him a scornful look and said mockingly, "Oh my, always have to have it _our_ way, don't we? Oh boo-hoo!" He said this with a mock disappointed shake of his head.

With a sniffle, Graypaw picked one mouse and ate it, but since he had eaten and had drunk soda, it was kind of hard. But he managed to get it all down, even the bones that would give him bad indigestion.

"Better?" Tigerclaw asked mockingly. Graypaw didn't answer, and Tigerclaw snickered. "What a wimp!" he crowed as he walked off.

So this plan came to an end, and Firepaw got Graypaw to the medicine cat den quickly. Not only to help Graypaw, but also to imagine watching Spottedleaf playing volleyball this time.

 _ **To be continued...**_


	11. A Familiar Face? What A Twist!

**Warrior Cat Cody: Hey, everyone, and welcome back to my newest chapter of the Warrior Cats parody! I wish I can say "Happy Fall" or something, but it's not cold yet down here. Before we continue, I need to get something off my chest.**

 **Sheesh, t** **alk about harsher in hindsight! I made that joke about the mouse bile and the liver on the last chapter, and it turns out that I've got a fatty liver AND gallstones, and I gotta get the surgery for these gallstones. Yes, I was upset about it at first, but after a talk with someone I met a few weeks ago about God, I'm gonna keep doing as I usually do...except eat a lot. I really gotta start watching that.**

 **Uploading Date: October 12, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

 **A Familiar Face? What A Twist!**

The next morning, it started to rain. For a moment, it actually got pleasantly cool for a moment...but then went back to being muggy like on the Gulf Coast. Firepaw had woken up on this muggy day to go to Yellowfang's den, where she was trying to get a signal on ThunderClan's old-fashioned phone, which was around when Bluestar was a kit.

"Hey, it's leaking in here," said Firepaw.

Yellowfang rolled her eyes and grumbled, "Tell me something I don't know."

Firepaw stepped into the den, saying, "It's not safe to operate a phone while the roof's leaking. How about you spend the night in the nursery with the queens and kits?"

"What, and hear them parrot their political correctness all night?" growled Yellowfang. "No thanks. I'd rather get wet!"

"Okay, sheesh!" Firepaw said, backing away. "I'll get some tarps from Smallear."

"Thanks, Firepaw," said Yellowfang.

That stunned Firepaw. Since when did mean old Yellowfang become polite old Yellowfang? Before he could ask that, she snapped, "Well, are you gonna wait until someone runs you over? Get your tail moving, on the double!"

Firepaw smiled; _that_ was the Yellowfang he liked to know. He started heading to the elders' den when he bumped into Speckletail, who was holding a Flowers In The Attic book in one paw.

"Hey Speckletail," Firepaw said. "Going to see Yellowfang?"

Speckletail wrinkled her nose. "No way, she smells kinda funny," she said. "And she prefers South Park over The Loud House. But I wanted to say that Bluestar wants to see you. She's playing her game, so give her a tap on the shoulder."

Firepaw nodded with an "Okay" put into it. When he ran over to Bluestar's den, she was sitting there, playing Pokemon Sun version.

"Bluestar!" Firepaw called, but Bluestar was still playing the game. So Firepaw threw a pebble at her and yelled, "Bluestar!"

Bluestar gave him a miffed look before muttering, "I'll complete that Akala Island grass trial next time." She put her 3DS and headphones before snapping at Firepaw, "WHAT?!"

"Um...Speckletail said you wanted to see me," said Firepaw.

"Did Speckletail tell you to tap me on the shoulder?" Bluestar asked.

Firepaw now looked down the the ground. "Oh...right...anyway, I was just coming to tell you that Yellowfang's roof is leaking."

"Oh, I get it now," she said, now smiling. "Yeah, I'm just gonna get one of the queens to do it, even if I'm not too busy to do it myself. You can get back to training."

"Really! YEAH!" Firepaw cheered, jumping up and down. But he thought he'd look like a fool and calmed down, saying, "I mean...thanks, Bluestar."

Bluestar immediately went back to her game, saying, "No problem. Now get going and do whatever you apprentices do."

...

When Firepaw met up with them a few minutes later at their stump, Graypaw was now playing his Pokemon Moon game on the 3DS. Ravenpaw was just cowering as usual...which was usual for the spazzy apprentice.

"Spazzy?" remarked Graypaw to the narrator. "That's a new word."

Hey, don't blame me. Watch that YouTube video called True Facts About The Frog.

"Isn't it that video where that frog makes the funny screaming sound?" Graypaw asked. "I like that video!"

Never mind, let's continue the story.

"Anyway, you're joining us at last, huh, buddy?" Graypaw asked Firepaw, tossing him an A&W root beer can. "We were wondering if you were gonna knit sweaters and socks with Yellowfang forever."

Firepaw threw a stick at him. "First off, they're stockings, not socks," he protested. "Second, we never actually knitted; I took care of her, and she'd sometimes curse or talk about the good old days in ShadowClan. And third, Ravenpaw, you shouldn't be nervous about Tigerclaw giving us a test," he added to Ravenpaw. "Yeah, he's a jerk, but he could be a fair guy."

Ravenpaw started to take out his inhaler, muttering, "You can never tell with Tigerclaw."

"Oh, for StarClan's sake, Ravenpaw, put that away!" grumbled Graypaw. "You don't need it whenever someone mentions Tigerclaw. It's not like he's Voldemort or Hitler or anything."

While they waited, the sky turned from gray to blue. One might, you could expect a dopey song from Teletubbies about the sky. Anyway, Tigerclaw came strolling into the clearing, wearing a military outfit.

"Aten-HUT!" Tigerclaw commanded.

All three apprentices stood on their hind legs, their tails held out as they did a salute to him. Ravenpaw started to hyperventilate until Tigerclaw snapped a book in front of him to shut him up.

So Tigerclaw got down to business. "So what you three brats will be doing is hunting. Bluestar says you're ready to be warriors soon, but I say 'Nay!' But I'm not the leader...yet," he added in a half-whisper. "Anyway, you three will be hunting, and someone will spy on you and call you names if you dare miss a whisker."

"First, Ravenpaw, you try near Snakerocks. That'll teach you to eat my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream," Tigerclaw sneered, showing sharp white teeth.

At this, Ravenpaw started to hyperventilate again and brought out his inhaler. Tigerclaw slapped that out of his paws.

"Graypaw, go check near the river," Tigerclaw ordered. "That way, we won't have to go all the way to Long John Silver's an hour away to get fish."

"Yay. Wet paws for me!" Graypaw said sarcastically.

But Tigerclaw bonked him on the head before turning to Firepaw. "Well, Mr. I'm-Happy-Bluestar's-My-Mentor, since Bluestar's not here, I'm not gonna go soft on you," he jeered. "Go check by the Twolegplace. And I will totally not be watching you in the bushes and try to snipe you with these paint balls and this sniper gun." He brought out a sniper rifle and slipped some paint balls into it.

 _Okay,_ that _was creepy_ , Firepaw thought. Out loud, he asked Graypaw, "What's Snakerocks like?"

"It's deep and dark and dangerous," said Graypaw. "I don't know why Tigerclaw thought sending Ravenpaw there was a good idea. Those snakes hate having their venom-milking lessons interrupted. But Ravenpaw's so spazzy..."

"That actually _does_ sound like a good word for him," joked Firepaw.

Graypaw snickered. "Yeah. Anyway, he's so spazzy that they'll just miss their mark anyway. Look, I'm gonna have a soda break before I head out. Good luck, buddy."

And with that, he and the apprentices went their separate ways.

At first, it was exciting to actually hunt, and he even caught a mouse. But then it got boring when they weren't going to do anything other than hunt. Firepaw found himself wishing that he could've been at camp looking after Yellowfang again...but at least he was free to do whatever. Other than the looming threat of Tigerclaw hitting him with paint balls, he didn't have much to complain about at the moment.

Suddenly, he saw something strolling in the woods and thought it was a panda. But...pandas didn't live around here. Instead, it was a plump black-and-white cat munching on a donut and strolling through the woods. _Must be a kittypet,_ Firepaw thought with a sneer. _I can't wait until I get my claws on that fat little...oh, wait, I was one of those._

He let out a yowl and jumped out at the black-and-white cat, who screamed and dropped his donut. The kittypet ran off, and Firepaw followed him with a war cry, like you hear in those old cowboys-and-indians movie. With a running leap, he pinned the kittypet down to the ground...but then relaxed his grip. _Hey, wait a minute...that's Smudge!_

"AHHH! Don't kill me, mister!" Smudge pleaded. "I promise I'll never use Rusty's old litterbox while eating burritos ever again!"

Firepaw got off of him, disgusted. "Smudge, I could go on for the rest of my life without hearing that," he retorted.

"Well, _sorry_ about that, Rusty..." But Smudge's eyes widened as he mewled, "R-Rusty? Is that you?"

"That's my name. Don't wear it...you know what, that's not my name anymore," said Firepaw. "I'm Firepaw now."

Smudge blinked at him before giggling. "Okay, very funny, Rusty. And I'm Darkstalker!"

Firepaw frowned at him. "No, Smudge, I really am Firepaw now. I'm really living with the wildcats now."

"Wow..."

Firepaw grinned...but then he said, "Um...Smudge, you look fatter than usual."

"What?! I'm offended!" Smudge slurred, now looking insane. But then he calmed down and said, "Sorry. I got neutered. I might not have any kids now, and I'm kind of gaining weight, but I feel calmer now. And I also got my gallbladder removed, so that's a plus."

 _Wow...I almost lost my tenders like this guy._ Firepaw couldn't imagine being neutered like Smudge, being fat and eating chocolate like in a flashback from Family Guy. _Wait, why am I thinking of Family Guy?_

"So what's it like out here in the wild?" Smudge asked. "I told Henry that you were leaving for good, and he wants to know too."

Rusty...I mean, Firepaw sighed and said, "Okay, I'll tell you. At times, it's really cool, but it can also be really flipping annoying. The Clan cats are a lot more random and weird than kittypets, but they can fight really good. Heck, we even use WWE moves on each other!"

Smudge didn't look interested, but he did nod his head a few times. "That's good and all, but I gotta go," he said. "I need to hit the can."

"Then you better go quick," said Firepaw. "I don't think any Clan cat wants to see a kittypet peeing with fright on their territory."

"Yeah, that wouldn't be good," said Smudge. "Plus, I'll tell everyone that you're okay. I'll see ya later!"

Firepaw called back, "See ya next time! And I owe you a colossal donut next time we see each other! You know, like on The Simpsons!"

He just barely heard Smudge call back "Those don't exist!" before he went back into the forest. Firepaw decided to hunt down a bird and call it a day so he could start building up his Pokemon team in his own Sun version.

 _To be continued..._


	12. Busted!

**Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Warrior Cats Parody! Sorry it took a while to upload; I've been busy around the house for the Christmas season. There's presents to be wrapped, Christmas specials to be watched, Christmas tree treats to be made, and so on and so forth.**

 **As usual, I hope everyone likes this chapter. If there's anything wrong with this chapter, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, I'll always accept constructive criticism as long as you're polite about it. And if I don't upload this before Christmas, then I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.**

 **Uploading Date: December 17, 2017**

 **Enjoy!**

 **...**

 _ **Busted!**_

Several pounces and paintballs later, Firepaw had come back with his prey, his fur plastered with mainly red. When he got back, he saw Tigerclaw whistling innocently, hiding his sniper rifle while playing his Pokémon game. Firepaw cleared his throat loudly, and Tigerclaw looked up with a sneer.

"It's about time," he growled, turning his 3DS off. "You got the goods?"

"Other than feeling sticky from this paint and having some stale and rotting Halloween candy, sure," he said. "And I've got some Christmas sweets back there to get."

"Oh, I know all that," said Tigerclaw. "I've been watching you."

That made Firepaw cringe and think, _Okay, THAT was creepy._

Suddenly, Graypaw came tumbling through the bushes with two squirrels in his teeth. One was dead, and the other just karate-chopped Graypaw in the face before going back to Bikini Bottom.

"Those things are tough!" complained Graypaw.

"They're Texas squirrels," retorted Tigerclaw. "Of course they'll be tough. Almost everything is tough in Texas."

Graypaw held up a stick. "Even sticks in Texas are tough." He tried breaking it...and it didn't break; all it did was make his head ache a little. "See?"

Tigerclaw rolled his eyes and said, "Whatever. Ravenpaw's late, so we should go back to camp."

"But we can't leave him out here," Firepaw protested. "What if we leave him here, and he doesn't come back?"

"He'll most likely end up at a barn, where he'll be plump and happy for the rest of his pathetic little life," said Tigerclaw mockingly. "But like that's ever gonna happen."

"I feel like this is foreshadowing somehow," piped up Firepaw.

Tigerclaw glared around at him. "Your face is foreshadowing somehow," he bit back childishly.

Firepaw was about to retort when Ravenpaw came bounding over. He was trying to hold his inhaler in a front paw because he was carrying a dead snake in his mouth.

"Duuuuuude," Graypaw oohed in awe, looking at the snake. "No one's ever caught a snake and lived before! What kind of snake is it?"

"It's an adder," boasted Ravenpaw loudly. "They're the only poisonous snakes in England!"

"Huh. I knew this was somewhere in England," muttered Firepaw.

...

When they got back to camp, there were some cats gathering to see how the hunt went.

"Isn't he the one taking care of that mean old rogue?" asked the little gray kit named Cinderkit.

"I'M A LONER, YOU - oh." Yellowfang had come out of her prison den to yell at the kits, only to stop as she got mixed up. "Never mind. Carry on."

The kits blinked at her before they started talking again. "That orange guy is Firepaw..." Cinderkit began.

"What orange guy? Garfield?" asked her brother Brackenkit.

"No, she means _he's_ the orange guy," added Brightkit, who was kind and gentle but was scared of dogs.

Their other brother, Brackenkit-clone Thornkit, merely threw a moss ball at an empty soda can.

Firepaw headed back to his bed, where Graypaw was throwing the adder around and making the corpse talk. When they were done making the snake sing the American national anthem in a spooky voice, Firepaw asked, "Where do you think WindClan went to?"

"Probably to their annual firepit party," said Graypaw. "I heard they roast hot dogs, popcorn, and S'Mores while singing songs under the stars. I even heard that they're hippies."

"That's true," Tigerclaw said suddenly, poking his head into the den. "They've been trying to make their camp look like a gathering at Woodstock. Oh, and Bluestar wants to see you, Firepaw."

So Firepaw got up and headed to Bluestar's den. Right now, she had gotten into an argument with someone online over the whole Kimba/Lion King controversy. When Firepaw cleared his throat, she quickly closed the laptop.

"Tigerclaw told me that you talked with a kittypet," said Bluestar. "Not only that, but you were going to give him a colossal donut. Don't you know that it's really false advertising?"

 _That snitchy Tigerclaw,_ Firepaw thought angrily. Out loud, he complained, "I didn't know those were fake! And I thought you were going to ask me 'do you want to stay in the Clan' and all that stuff."

Bluestar smirked. "Oh, thanks for reminding me."

 _Mouse dung,_ Firepaw thought.

"So...you wanna stay here in the Clan, or do you want to go back to being a kittypet?" Bluestar asked. "Perhaps I was being foolish into thinking we needed outsiders as warriors."

That was when Firepaw sighed and said, "Oh, don't go pulling that load of dung. You know, constant guilt-tripping. You know I'm not going to do it, yet you think I'm going to? I got it about the Yellowfang fiasco, and I don't wanna get it from a cat who argues about the Kimba/Lion King controversy all day online."

Nobody spoke. Then...

Bluestar sighed. "For that brutal honesty, I guess I owe you a game of Skyrim Special Edition," she said. "I heard how Longtail taunted you for liking Fallout 4, so I decided to let you play Skyrim."

"Yes!" Firepaw cheered.

Bluestar shrugged. "That, and you and your little friends can go to tonight's Gathering."

Firepaw calmed down and said, "Okay, that's cool too."

"And as for Yellowfang, I trust her but still don't trust her for an odd reason," said Bluestar. "She can stay, but she won't join us in Pokemon battles."

"Um...Yellowfang doesn't like video games," Firepaw spoke up. "But I'll let her know."

Bluestar cleared her throat. "Yeah, she's in the dirtplace right now," she said. "You don't want to get caught talking to an old lady on the toilet."

 _Thanks for scarring me for life with that,_ Firepaw thought with a grimace.

...

When Firepaw made it back, Graypaw and Ravenpaw were playing with the dead snake again. This time, they were making the snake reinact dull moments from The Last Airbender movie.

"How'd it go?" Graypaw asked, putting down the rock he made the snake "Earthbend" with.

"We heard you talked to a kittypet," Ravenpaw added. He made it sound like Firepaw did something really bad.

Firepaw sighed. "Come on, guys, it's not like I murdered someone or stole a balloon," he said. "Bluestar just told me off, I told her off, and..." He made it go long so that Graypaw and Ravenpaw looked nervous. "We're going to get Skyrim Special Edition!" Firepaw cheered.

Both Graypaw and Ravenpaw cheered. Graypaw chanted, "Dragonborn! Dragonborn!"

"Oh, and we're finally going to the Gathering," Firepaw added.

"Oh. Then that's good too," said Graypaw with a grin. "I wanna tell Sandpaw. I wanna see her face like when I broke her iPod."

"You know she'll just call us nerds again," Ravenpaw said, holding up his inhaler.

Graypaw grinned even wider. "But not if we tell her and Dustpaw first. But anyway, there's plenty of cool cats out there!"

"EXQUISITE!" said a very strange human wearing a cat suit before he left.

They blinked at this random moment before Graypaw backtracked, "I mean, there's plenty of great warriors out there! I've heard of Clawface; I've heard he can burp through multiple times tables. And I heard that Stonefur can shove a watermelon up his nose..."

 _ **To be continued...**_


End file.
